HUGE decision to make...

[FourRingCircus]

DH's job... very stable, great employee, to the point that he now has several different route options for his career :shock: . One is a global position meaning travel to China, Germany, Mexico, Costa Rica, and various places around the US. It would be a week every other month, and more the first year tapering off after he gets to know people and can do things via the WWW. It's what he loves to do and is his ideal job, biggest hesitation is the travel. Then they throw out a new position in a new plant in WV... more day to day stress, but wow, it would be nice to have a fresh start for our family out from under the umbrella that is MIL and her sister (family dynamics have shifted dramatically since his uncle passed away last year and we are DONE). The house is a hindrance - we built on family land. Never thought life would go this direction though . Also not sure we're ready to leave a handful of key people, BUT maybe it's time? We're praying for direction, obvious signs which way we should go. It's so hard! We have never been faced with this big of a decision... career path changes? Sure (he's been with this company for 12 years and takes on a new role ever 3 or 4 years... Quality Engineer, Plant Manager, Production Manager, Quality Manager). Ones this big? Not so much. His boss said his job is to make DH happy, so the choice is up to him. No pressure. He was hoping I would feel strongly one way or another to make the decision easier, but I am as torn as he is. He is a wonderful man who feels it is OUR money (I stay at home), OUR decision, etc. He has always been that way, and for that I am thankful.

I know it's not unusual for people to leave families to head off for a new adventure... but it just doesn't happen around here. Our church was founded by DH's great great grandfather pre-Civil War. We live in a line with aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents... our first house was his great grandparents house which we own and rent out. The Bible says let the dead bury their dead, but when it comes to acting on it, it's so hard! It would only be an extra hour (4 vs. 3) from my parents house, but they are out west a lot of the year anyway.

I am sure someone else on here has been there before - care to share any advice? WV would likely be a 3-5 year deal, not permanent (our choice), but who knows if we would actually WANT to come back at that point.

Another option is to just say forget it, quit, and become a pastor :lol:

 

[2CrazyFools]

It's what he loves to do and is his ideal job

Whenever my husband faces a career change and is chewing with what direction to go, I always ask him which would better meet his end goal (working for himself) and which one would he ENJOY more. Money is important, but I'm very willing to tighten the belt if it meant he was doing something he really enjoyed. (We recently did a job switch to a new company where he gets to work from home, really loves, but took a decent pay decrease for it even though his previous job offered him more to stay, office with windows, and a different manager)

The travel seems minimal (1 week every few months) and if y'all set your minds to enjoy it no matter what (him seeing the world, you getting a reprieve of his toe-nails on the bathroom floor :x ) then it could be really great.

Is there any way y'all can relocate regardless of the job? If he commutes to work as it is, maybe look for land on the other side of his work location. Give yourselves some breathing room from the fam while still keeping those key players in your life.

For us it just always seems to come down to stress vs enjoyment. If it's something you have to do every day, you may as well like it. The other job with more day-to-day stress, would it keep him away from the house for longer periods of time? (Overtime, more issues cropping up, less family time) Just thinking that the second job may end up adding up over the course of a few months to being roughly the same amount of time gone from home as the first one would with him traveling.

Just my 2c on it. Good luck! Keep praying for guidance, whatever y'all choose will be the right path. <br /><br /> __________ Tue May 16, 2017 10:28 am __________ <br /><br /> Oh! I know this sounds silly, but you guys should also flip a coin.

It's got nothing to do with what the coin actually lands on, but what you're hoping it'll land on. So tell him you're going to flip a coin, flip it, cover it, and then ask him what he wanted it to be. Whether you look at the coin or not is up to you, but your gut will let you know.

 

[sunrise]

Will be praying for your decision.

 

[MaggieJ]

Crazy's flipping of the coin is a great way of letting your gut have a vote as well as your head and your heart.

When I have had to make a big decision -- not very often, thank goodness -- I listed all the pros and cons of one choice and then all the pros and cons of the other. (Often the cons were fears, which told me quite a bit about myself.)

Once all the pros and cons were written down (in two lists, in no particular order), I set aside the papers and asked myself: "But what do you want to do? Deep down, logic and fears aside, what would you like?"

For me, that was the bottom line and the decision would have already made itself, while I was looking the other way.

I don't know if this is of any help to you, FourRingCircus, but I'm confident you and your husband will be able to work this out and choose for your happiness.

 

[FourRingCircus]

Thanks for the advice - I totally understand the coin flipping! We have done that both for ourselves and the kids. If we flip the coin and are disappointed with the results, we know it's best to go the other way.

I told DH if it was the global position, based out of WV, it would be a cake decision to make... We are toying with the idea of moving just to move - the other side of work. He said it was one thing to tell the family "Hey, we are moving out of state for now, it is what it is" vs. "we're moving an hour away, just because we want to" - I told him it would be to get closer to the airport :lol: . We don't know set pay for anything, so money isn't driving the decision. We know it's not about the money. He is supposedly getting a decent raise this year - he got one a couple years ago so that he would be making more than his direct reports, but it was just barely... one guy brought in a couple engineers for crazy salaries, little did DH know he was working twice as hard as plant manager for thousands less :? :roll: . #1 reason why people don't talk about how much they make... I would love to know how much they *think* he makes :roll: . One of the ladies in HR told him to hold out for the money, he's not exactly sure what she meant by that.

I think he would be happier in the Continuous Improvement position (global) - it's what he loves to do. Travel would be hard - we're the type of couple that loves to be together all the time which I know is kinda weird. I told him if he went that route I would want to make sure we had a security system (sounder sleep), and get an iPad or something so we could do face time with him at least. Downside is still being under this ridiculous "umbrella" (his term, very fitting)with his mom and aunt. I think the idea of WV is intriguing and exciting to him. It's a brand new, state of the art plant. It's starting from the ground up. Two of his best guys have already committed to positions there and have already transitioned. It's a little added stress, but it's also only 20 or so machines vs. the 150 (give or take, I can't remember) that he currently deals with (he does beyond what his job requirements are given his past experience as Plant Manager - he knows more about the plants and the machines that most anyone else in the company). It's also only one supplier (BIG brand company) vs. the numerous ones at the current location so that decreases a lot right there (two in particular are butts to deal with). He won't be dealing with family stuff on top of everything as well - he's choir director, church chair, call for this that and the other... The 3-5 year stint would be about when he would be finishing up his associates in ministry so that would be great.

 

[Marinea]

Re-read your post above mine. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like y'all have made the decision.

When we moved here to Virginia, it was a big move. Away from (a loving) family, into an area we had not researched, and very little time to get it done. Oh, and the fact hubby wasn't able to see the place before it was bought. We made the decision in a day, and then the nerves and "what ifs" set in. But once the move was made and we got settled, we realized how perfect it was for us.

Trust your instincts and prayers.

 

[Fernie]

If you have littles you may want to check out WV's laws that will impact the children and your choices as to raising them. We have 50 acres that are family land we could be farming. It is in WV and we do have issues with the choices that would be taken from us if we moved there.
If I was you I would make a list of things that are important to me. A good resource that helped me find out more about other states was freedominthe50states.org It did help us to decide what direction we wanted to go.

 

[FourRingCircus]

He's leaning heavily toward the global position - he had a couple conversations today, one of which was with the President of the Bible college he is taking classes with now and feels at peace with that decision. He feels like WV is running away from things right now (like with Jonah skipping out on Ninevah) - the "easy" way out in a way. His goal is to eventually be a bi-vocational pastor (keep his full time job, pastor on the side essentially) and maybe that path would lead to a move from where we are at now - that's his thinking anyway. He's thinking that the 3-5 years in WV would put that on hold entirely... although I can see it going either way. Our dream is a super simple "church" of our own - a pole barn type building over looking a body of water with sunrise services every week - clear tarps and heaters in the winter, fans in the summer. I know there is more to think about than that, but we are so tired of the building being more important than the people we want to go bare minimum so that "pressure" is off... no carpet colors to fuss about, or paint for people to worry about bumping, etc.

If you have littles you may want to check out WV's laws that will impact the children and your choices as to raising them. We have 50 acres that are family land we could be farming. It is in WV and we do have issues with the choices that would be taken from us if we moved there.
If I was you I would make a list of things that are important to me. A good resource that helped me find out more about other states was freedominthe50states.org It did help us to decide what direction we wanted to go.

I was looking into HSing laws in WV, then also VA and MD since they are close enough we could go either direction. Curious what other issues there could be... I was mainly thinking of HSing. I am going to check out the website... curious what in encompasses!

 

[Fernie]

There are medical things we had to consider. We have a child that can not have or be around other who have had live vaccines. So WV was out as they require a WV licensed medical doctor to sign off to excuse her and the others. We had no problem finding doctors willing to sign for her, but her siblings we could not find one even though they spoke with the Immunologist that had been treating her since birth and that was the recommendation even back then and still is today.

 

[SarniaTricia]

FourRing
I think the move is an answer to a prayer... sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder is a very true expression.
If you have someone manage your rental property while you are gone, you can come back to the family after 3-5 years and the pressure that is currently there should be gone.

I agree that a list of pros and cons sorted for importance (assign each a number and do the math)
I love to go new places and start new things.... I would be so jazzed to move... so my opinion is bias....

 

[FourRingCircus]

Thank you for the heads up, Fernie! So many little things to consider. My older two are fully vaxed b/c I just went with what the doctor said then, then came my "very allergic" second daughter. New Ped by then (the other was awful and horribly egotistical). We were already taking things slow anyway because I knew something wasn't quite right (she was diagnosed with a LONG list of food allergies at 1, we (accidentally) almost killed her a couple of times before we realized what was going on - I had this urge to take her to the ER once, but didn't b/c to anyone else she looked fine, but I knew something wasn't right (she didn't have the obvious hives or swollen shut stuff, hers was mostly BP/respiratory with a small mark below her eye that was eventually my visual clue - it would flair up within minutes of any offending foods). Anyway, we were doing one vax at a time, just in case, so A) her already flaired up system wouldn't get overwhelmed, and B) if there was a reaction, we would know it. First MMR, seemed to go OK. Then about a week later she broke out in a horrendous rash and high fever (obviously fussy b/c how could that be comfortable). I didn't connect the two because it had been a week or more, but little did I know then the reaction time frame is 7-10 days. My husband's uncle looked at her and said "has she ever had measels?" and it clicked. I called the doctor immediately. In her 30 years of practice she had never seen a reaction quite like it. Needless to say, we have been even more careful with things. Health Dept. called a year or so ago asking why my youngest didn't have this one particular vaccine (varicella maybe?) and it took all I had to not say "none of your business!" but I knew that was the wrong answer in this situation so I just explained what happened to my daughter and that we were being extra cautious with things now. She kept pushing, I kept repeating. Finally the phone call ended and I haven't heard anything since. I'm sorry things like that are preventing you from enjoying the farm land... that just stinks (well, I would use a stronger word, but you know what I mean). Thank you for sharing! I have lived in 3 states in my life - AZ, VA, NC - but the first two were as a child/teen so I didn't have to think through these logistics! <br /><br /> __________ Thu May 18, 2017 7:41 am __________ <br /><br /> We talked some more last night. There are others in the running for the global position, so we'll see - they are planning on filling it withing a week or two. He said on Tuesday he was totally at peace with the decision, then last night he started going back and forth again :wall: :lol: . I told him "well, that doesn't surprise me. We just had dinner at your moms and you had choir practice, both of which included conversations that sum up why we want to run away." :lol: I am now looking at real estate - both here and there. Just in case . I found the WV house I want! ( https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/I ... ect/11_zm/ ) More than we want to pay, but I am trying to remember that there would be a significant pay increase - not to mention most of the other listings I was looking at were well above $200K :x (yes, I know, I'm spoiled in our low cost of living area - my brother is looking at $1.5M homes in the San Diego area :shock: ) It even has a nice long room with lots of windows for my long arm machine Most definitely not he country living we are used to, but I think it's pretty similar in size to the small town I lived in in VA, although I doubt it's nearly as drug ridden and trashy :roll:

This is the one I found if we stay here - a bit more "urban" of a location than we have now, but it at least has land https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/P ... ect/11_zm/ .

 

[Winterwolf]

I know it's not unusual for people to leave families to head off for a new adventure... but it just doesn't happen around here. Our church was founded by DH's great great grandfather pre-Civil War. We live in a line with aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents... our first house was his great grandparents house which we own and rent out.

Boy, can I relate to that situation! :roll:

My husband and I are going through this same decision right now. He was offered a job in this area that pays well and seems like a great deal. BUT, we've been trying to get away from his overbearing family ('clan' would be a better term) for a while now and we suddenly have the opportunity to move out of state and be free of them. DH is leaning more towards the job in this area because it offers better pay and seems like it'd be more reliable work (full time and steady hours). I'm leaning towards out of state because I'm sick of Kansas and sick of my in-laws.

In the end, I told DH to go with whatever his instincts tell him to, since it's his job on the line. I think he's finally decided on taking the local job and staying here for a few more years. (Then possibly looking into moving out of state after that.) We did agree on one thing, though: since we'll be living in the area still, we are building a fence around our entire property and putting a locked gate across the driveway so I won't be invaded every day by his relatives while he's at work. :gun: Unfortunately, my husband wouldn't spring for a stone wall and pack of Dobermans.

I am sure someone else on here has been there before - care to share any advice?

Pray like crazy! That's the only way we kept our sanity while sorting through the endless lists of pros and cons. And I'm sure God will let you know in His own way what His plan is for you guys. Also, I like 2CrazyFools' idea about the coin toss. Sometimes it's a great way to force yourself to admit which direction you're actually leaning. Good luck!

P.S. Regarding homeschool laws, did you try the HSLDA website?

 

[FourRingCircus]

P.S. Regarding homeschool laws, did you try the HSLDA website?

I did and the general summary is similar to NC's, but I want to get the more specifics. We are members, and have been for a few years... I guess it wouldn't hurt to call!

Glad to know we're not the only ones in this position, although it stinks to be in it!

And it's funny, we have felt in limbo the last few years, like God was telling us to be prepared for a change or transition. We have had the urge to sell everything and live in an RV - DH told his mom this and she said "My grandchildren are not living in an RV!" - He said, have you seen some of them?? They're gorgeous! SIL is house shopping and talking to her Gpa about land (which is who gave us our acre)... she either doesn't want our house, or doesn't realize just how serious we are about selling it to her well below what it's worth (not to mention everything we have put into it!). We feel so tied down by this stupid house . 7 years ago when we built we had no idea things would shift this dramatically. Ugh. She's looking at much larger homes and floorplans in the area, with acreage. No idea why in the world she wants acreage - she's just like MIL in her desire (or total lack thereof) to do anything outside. Pretty sure she's going to end up house poor.

Anyway, adding on to those nudgings I went form full on game plan for a small working farm on our acre+, planting dwarf and semi-dwarf fruit trees, small animals, garden expansion, etc. to telling DH I felt like I shouldn't be putting anymore into it. I didn't want to get another truck load of compost for a new bed, I didn't want to plant more trees, etc. (I seriously doubt anything will be used if SIL ends up here. Her BF is a pretty sorry fellow as well, unfortunately. Won't do any work unless he gets a minimum $25/hr... seriously. Won't help her dad if he asks, balked when we mentioned spreading mulch at the church, etc. She was supposed to be guardian for the kids if something happened to us, but that has quickly changed due to her attitude shift and the growing relationship between her and this guy). I did get some elderberry bushes and paw paw trees a couple weeks ago - I had been wanting them for years.

 

[Fernie]

I literally made a spreadsheet. I did some things listed were highly important others were considered in the event of a tie. It helped me to have a list of things for every state so I could compare.

 

[FourRingCircus]

Weeeellllll....

WV might be happening! :shock:

DH had 3 hours worth of "meetings" with various people at work - his boss, his boss's boss, head guy in HR - all with glowing accolades for him, which is great... (DH is a very, very humble man) He finally told the HR guy, Look, it's been 2 months since I first mentioned interest in another position and it's been a lot of back and forth with different information from different people (he said travel for the other position would be 50% or more :x not at all what his boss told him)... I just need someone to tell me where they want me and we can go from there.

Evidently HR and his boss's boss talked, because after more compliments and formalities he said "This is what I'd like to see" Alrighty then, here we go!

Nearly 35% pay raise, $10K net signing bonus, $10K for moving (more if needed), 5 year stint.

My reaction? My stomach flip flopped and I started to cry . It's one thing to talk about it, it's a whole 'nother ball game when it really start to happen! Mentally freaking out a bit. Reminding myself that people do this all the time. I'm a people pleaser, so it's going to be hard to tell a certain handful of people, and even harder to leave them - I know they will take it hard. It's about 5.5 hours away, a very doable day drive for visits and if something where to happen.

He can still say no. It's not set in stone. He said that if I was against it, then to say so. It's not that I am against it, there's a lot to look forward to and be excited about. I do want to see the area before fully committing. I guess the experience of my parents buying a house in a small town, sight unseen, can be a horrible idea :roll: We would have headed out tonight if the kids didn't have dance pictures tomorrow. Scanning the calendar to see when we can go.

 

[2CrazyFools]

he said travel for the other position would be 50% or more :x not at all what his boss told him

WOW! That's quite a large difference from a week every few months! Yeah, heck no man.

Nearly 35% pay raise, $10K net signing bonus, $10K for moving (more if needed), 5 year stint.

That's awesome! I'm so excited for you and it really sounds like the way started clearing up and becoming more one sided. A move like that is scary, but it certainly takes some of the hassle off when it's being paid for! New city, new house, and nice, clear family-stress-free air. A fresh start.

 

[FourRingCircus]

I cried when we told his aunt. She lost her husband last year and has leaned on me a lot as the family dynamics have shifted and she lost her main confidant (we're in laws together :lol: ). DH tried talking to his gpa tonight, but he ended the conversation pretty quick. He told his dad who was pretty shocked. Those are the main 3 that we are actually sad to leave, and our renter. She "adopted" the kids pretty quick - we actually asked if she would be willing to come with us if we moved, but she doesn't want to leave her daughter (might have mentioned that already though). His sister knows since we asked about the house, plus she works at the same company (which I struggle with since that was the one thing that was just "us").

Still looking at HS stuff - the little searching I did earlier gave me testing and diploma info, but not the general day to day, so that's next on my list of things to do tonight.

__________ Sat May 20, 2017 11:33 am __________

Still processing it all... DH didn't sleep much last night. I dreamed a lot, not sure about what (I know it was move related, but can't remember any specifics), but was pretty restless overall. I keep going back and forth. If it were just the two of us it would make for an easy decision. ODS almost cried when we told him, he doesn't want to move. It's a tricky age - he actually has friends now, and if/when we move yes, he will have the opportunity to meet new ones, but then we have to rip that bandaid off again in a pretty difficult stage in life (he would be 13-15 if/when we moved back). I wish it were an easy black and white decision, but it is so muddled up I can't sort through my thoughts and emotions very well. This would be my first move out of the several I have experienced that wasn't filled with full on joy and excitement (at 11 we left AZ, I was horribly bullied so it was a huge relief, college is college (bounce around several times within the same city, various roommates, no biggie), then went straight from there to marriage at 20... lived in a rental the first year before moving into his ggma's old house, built our current house 7 years ago).

Financially even with a sizeable pay increase we might break even. Our current house payment is $650 or so (15 yr loan, I pay extra to have it done in 7 or so - about $86K left), then we have a small amount of rental income. If we move we are looking at a $200K house (DH wants room to roam, he just can't do in town living - trying to weight acreage vs. upkeep), plus our current mortgage, then lost rental income because we would give majority of it to DH's cousin to look after the property. Although, that will lead to a big shift in a few years if/when we come back - the current house will still be here, more than 1/2 paid off, hopefully we break even or make some money (the market should be shifting soon with the new plant coming in) on the other house so that would go in the bank, then the added pay on top of it all...

*deep breath* <br /><br /> __________ Sun May 21, 2017 3:16 pm __________ <br /><br /> I'm a mess. I have felt on the verge of throwing up for about 48 hours now, and I cry at the drop of a hat, which makes my stomach churn even more. I couldn't sleep last night so I stayed up until 2:30 working on a memory quilt for someone and finally got to the point I couldn't sew a straight line :roll: (going down to see how much I have to tear out now!). Woke up with a horrendous migraine. Took 2 Excedrin Migraines, took care of the pain, but nausea and dizziness were the same or worse - cried off and on through church and lunch afterwards (it was our annual homecoming). I don't know if I can do this. I am praying for peace for this decision, DH is ready to go. We have never been this divided on a decision, especially such a big one - normally we are on the same page, 100%. It's weird. I think he's stopped trying to talk to me about it . I feel awful. I want to support him, I really do, but I'm a wreck.

 

[MaggieJ]

Whoa, Four Ring! I think it might be the fear of making the "wrong" choice that's tearing you apart. Can you see your doctor and perhaps get a short-term prescription for the anxiety so that you can calm down and think it through? You're in overload right now and it's paralyzing you, short-circuiting your ability to think. And that creates more anxiety until it spirals out of control.

Been there once or twice myself.

That said, if this sounds like nonsense to you, I may be way off track. But it sounds to me like you need a little help right now. It's a very complicated situation and you are trying to make it okay for everyone else. You need to decide what is best for you, your hubby and the kids and let the rest sort itself out as it will.

I hope this is helpful . . . I'd hate to add to your stress by saying the wrong thing. (((BIG HUGS)))

 

[FourRingCircus]

Oh, I know I have anxiety issues. Always have, unfortunately . This is awful though... normally it's pretty short term stuff... I am totally paralyzed at this point. I can't talk about it or think about it without crying. I don't know that any meds would have a chance to kick in before a decision has to be made

DH's aunt, one of the two in the "umbrella" was overheard saying something about "that stunt K (DH) is pulling" - lovely. Makes him want to move even more. They have yet to talk to us. Both her and his mom pretty much went silent when he said something. The other aunt, the one that's going to be hard to leave, is talking through things with us... They (her sons) have volunteered to take care of things around the house while we are gone, mowing, even the animals if I want to leave them for now.

 

[MaggieJ]

A tranquilizer like Lorazapam kicks in within about half hour. I don't recommend it for routine use, but short-term at a low dosage like 0.5 mg., it can help. I'm not pushing it at you, just giving you the info I remember from about 20 years ago when I was going through a very difficult time.

I'll be thinking of you and your family and hoping you get through the rough patch very soon. You'll probably start to feel better once the decision is actually made and you move forward to the actual making-it-happen process. It's the uncertainty that is the worst.