My rant - partner getting a loan for car

[EnglishSpot]

"But who am I to judge their morals or upbringings of their child?"

You're the person who is going to live with him for potentially the rest of his life, which is much longer than his parents had him.

 

[Tbgb1912]

I've learned to almost hate the man I have married because he puts his wants and needs ahead of the family, self control be damned. The worst part is (and best part since there are kids now) is that his folks will bail him/us out. I would have chosen differently if I had known he wouldn't have "grown out" of his financial idiocy and selfishness.

I did tell him for every package that shows up on the doorstep from now on, I am entitled to an extra rabbit. He didn't like that one bit.

That must be horrible EnglishSpot I couldn't stand the embarrassment of anyone, let alone partners family, to get you out of those situations.

I would suggest that too if I had enough room to house more buns :lol:

 

[Zass]

But sitting him down to talk about this, as I did last night, caused him to storm out on me. I feel that he's in denial..

That's a pretty clear signal to me.
Either he doesn't want to change at all and he isn't confrontational enough to say directly, or he's like a spoiled kid and he thinks that behavior will get you to leave him alone about what he wants.

Maybe both.

My mate is passive aggressive in his methods of showing me his displeasure.
One of the biggest challenges sometimes is getting him to come clean about how he feels directly. Hmm. Partially because he doesn't like saying anything that might make me unhappy.
It's complex...
Thankfully...we only tend to disagree about the little things...like who's turn it is to do the dishes. :lol:

 

[Prisma]

Communication is needed, definitely big red flag! Can't change a person, but should at least be willing to think and consider ultimate consequences. If he cannot control his temper to just hear you out and take a minute to think out of his own body, it would be frightening to think he would act the same on much bigger things. What happens when its the baby's doctor visit or bill from the ER over a new toy? What happens when its your retirement and home over a new toy? It may seem small, but I'd be worried sick and start wondering if I really want the head ache. Granted I'm no saint or clean slate myself, but I know enough now and have enough sense to stop/talk/look before leaping. I'll still be paying for mistakes well into my fifties unless I get a higher paying job...don't let that be you and your future kids not having a home or left starving.

But then again...that is just my opinion.

 

[Miss M]

"But who am I to judge their morals or upbringings of their child?"

You're the person who is going to live with him for potentially the rest of his life, which is much longer than how long his parents had him.

:yeahthat: "Don't judge" is a popular line (and people try to say that's what the Bible says, but it's very very very out of context), but the fact is, we all make judgments all the time. We have to. The trick is to make good judgments, not bad ones. Judging character, and making good choices based on your judgment.

You are looking at a long time ahead of you with this man. A couple of ladies have weighed in who have already been down this road. I also agree with Ottersatin... a man is a complete package, and way too many women think they can change one. Yes, it can happen, but the examples of it are few. I have a friend whose husband got wise only after their son was diagnosed as profoundly autistic. I really doubt he ever would have changed if not for that. Until then, she lived under constant stress because of finances as a result of his irresponsibility.

There are good, responsible, caring men out there. Complete packages, brains installed, ready to go.

If you stay with this man, chances are very great that he will remain exactly as he is -- irresponsible and selfish.

On the other hand, you could disentangle yourself, and be the woman that a good, responsible, caring man would find very attractive. Life with him would be a lot less stressful. I'm married to one... and, even through financial hardship and the occasional bad decision, marriage to him has been wonderful. This is because I know that no matter what, he will do whatever it takes to take care of his family.

 

[ottersatin]

clearly his parents aren't doing a good job of advising him. But who am I to judge their morals or upbringings of their child.
I hear you and believe that you did not get the point I was trying to make.
There is quite a BIG difference in those reared in the 80's.
I am a Child of the 50's and was taught to respect women and do what is right,
no matter what the cost to yourself. You cannot have everything and the manly thing
is to think about others ahead of yourself, especially your Wife/girlfriend or significant other.
I don't always get what I want, when I want it, but I am not lacking!
There are many things much more important than cumbersome possession's.
It often takes a lifetime to reach maturity. In life we go down many roads
in our attempt to find our way, may you always choose the right road,
and go in the right direction.
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

 

[the reluctant farmer]

:yeahthat: both Miss M & Ottersatin, that is very well said. In a long -term relationship, you have to be able to depend on each other. Even if you keep finances and bills separate, there are points where they have to be tangled. What if one of you becomes ill and needs financial support? What about job losses, or a child/ren? Even if you don't plan to have any, sometimes life throws you unexpected gifts--and you end up being the responsible grown-up for both your kids and partner. Bottom line, if you get nervous knowing he might be the one making decisions on your behalf someday, reconsider.

 

[Tbgb1912]

I don't want to sound like I'm whinging, or seeking attention, but I'm breaking up with him. I know it's for the better. Thank you guys so much for opening my eyes and making me realise that I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behaviour.
The last straw was this afternoon when he asked me if I could take him out there to pick up the new car because his work mate was busy. He expected it of me, I know, I do everything for him. Stupid me agreed and I didn't even get a thank you for it, he drove back to work.

This is so hard for me.

 

[Zass]

I'm sorry that your going through this.

Sometimes couples grow together, and sometimes they grow apart, and I truly believe that those kinds of differences are never really anyone's fault.

 

[Marinea]

*hugs TBGB and ES*

I want to thank you both. I know it won't make either of your situations any better, but I thank you for reminding me just how blessed I am. My husband and I live on a VERY fixed, tiny income. We have had to make a lot of adjustments to our lifestyle over the last few years. We have managed to get ourselves to the point where we both feel we are better off than we have ever been. And it's a blessing to me to have the man I have who has worked with me every step of the journey. We talk, and most importantly, listen to each other.

I will be praying that the two of you find that with your partners.

 

[Miss M]

I don't want to sound like I'm whinging, or seeking attention, but I'm breaking up with him. I know it's for the better. Thank you guys so much for opening my eyes and making me realise that I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behaviour.
The last straw was this afternoon when he asked me if I could take him out there to pick up the new car because his work mate was busy. He expected it of me, I know, I do everything for him. Stupid me agreed and I didn't even get a thank you for it, he drove back to work.

This is so hard for me.

:grouphug:

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know it is really hard.

I think if you give yourself a while to recover, you can set your sights much higher and be happy for life.

:encourage:

 

[Schipperkesue]

So much great advice here.

They say money is the #1 cause of problems in a relationship so I am thinking it should be the #1 belief you and your partner need to have in common. It sounds like the two of you are on opposite ends of the spectrum here.

Take it from a person who had the same misgivings before her first marriage. You know in your heart it it is not right. It is easier to end now than later. I know.

 

[katiebear]

I just want to give you a warning so you will not fall into the same situation that my daughter did when she left the "father" (more like sperm doner) of her kids..Make sure nothing is in your name, no lease no utilities, nothing...Close out any accounts that he has access to even pay-pal..I know it sounds paranoid but he ran up a $200.00 electric bill after she left the state. until she pays it off she can't get utilities in this state. And it messed up her credit, so she can't get a car loan and getting an apartment lease will be a nightmare... :angry: Just don't trust him not to stab you in the back, I know I don't know him but..people can be pretty vindictive... :x
This jerk wont even pay child support, and he cleaned out her pay pal and her savings account...Sorry this is not my rant...best of luck to you.....

 

[II Arrows]

First I want to say I wish you all the best in whatever decision you decide to make. Your first reaction is usually the right reaction. I can tell your very intelligent, and in a way you are preparing for the future and whatever that may hold for you. Stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't every let anyone or anything hold you down from reaching your goals in life, no matter how big or small they are.
Now me being a guy, I have been down that road many many time's. I was the guy who bought thoes flashy cars and the fast sport bikes. Lets say If my friend bought a fast car I had to buy a faster one. If I wasn't trying to impress my friends I was trying to impress the ladies. At first it's cool.......when your younger.
As I got a little older i still bought a few race cars, and motorcycles, and guns, and upgrades for just about everything mentioned above and much much more. With all that being said I pretty much racked up THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars in just credit card debt alone, not to mention 3 kids, a wife, a mortgage and all the other bills that go along with that. The only person I have to blame for that is myself. Im slowly working my way out of this debt I created. The worst thing about it is that I brought my family along for the ride. Sooner or later It leads to many many arguments and fights, and 99 percent of the time it's about money problems. It took me to long to learn the value of the all mighty dollar. I wish I could take it all back and start over because I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. I do believe it made me stronger in a way. Now I won't make any decisions involving big funds without talking to my wife first.
Ignorance and selfishness is a real bad habit to break. You have to do what is best for you and your future plans. Sometimes the right decisions will be very difficult to make or even understand at the time. Ultimately the decision is yours to make.

 

[Miss M]

II Arrows, that was a brave post. Thank you for posting it.

You may not be in a comfortable position now, but paying off debts is energizing and freeing. My husband and I ended up in a lot of debt a long time ago... an unwise purchase, medical and car repair bills, and an IRS audit were the main culprits.

The way we paid it off was to pay the minimum on all of the bills except for the smallest. We sent as much as we could to that one, until it was paid off. Then we rolled over what we had been paying to that one, and added it to what we were paying on the next smallest debt. As each debt got paid off, the amount being sent to the next one grew and grew. The small victories help you see progress and keep you going.

I wish you all the luck in getting it paid in full.

The scenario can be just as bad in the other direction, too. Women who have to have that pair of shoes, that dress, that handbag, that smartphone... that treatment to stay young looking. And many times, they have a patient husband trying to do damage control.

 

[Zass]

Women who have to have that pair of shoes, that dress, that handbag, that smartphone...

That new rabbit :razz:


I agree Miss M.
My husband will never refuse anything I seriously ask for.
(except for the pony :roll: )
We are not high income, Actually I'm not sure we qualify as lower middle class. Probably closer to working class.

But, in his eyes, I shouldn't work. I shouldn't lift a finger..
If I pout...He'll do anything and everything to put a smile back on my face.
If I truly want something...he'll move mountains to get it for me. (again, so long as it isn't a pony. :evil
You'd almost think I was a trophy wife or something... I'M NOT!

The same applies for kids as well. I guess, he's only a tightwad when it comes to spending on HIMSELF. :roll:
Yeah, I think, his pride as a man may be partially based on what he can provide for the rest of us

Some men must just be like that.
But, I think, they NEED mates whom they can trust not to exploit their kind nature. The kids were raised without TV, and tend to have far fewer wants than one might expect at their age. See...those shared care values come in handy all over the place.

Some women are hard working and supportive like that too, and they need partners who will not take advantage of the best part of them.

 

[II Arrows]

Thank you Miss M.

My husband will never refuse anything I seriously ask for.
(except for the pony :roll: )
We are not high income, Actually I'm not sure we qualify as lower middle class. Probably closer to working class.

But, in his eyes, I shouldn't work. I shouldn't lift a finger..
If I pout...He'll do anything and everything to put a smile back on my face.

It took me a long time to realize exactly that. My wife has been an extremely hardworking stay at home mom for the last 14 years. I chose to work and be the one who provides for my family. I can't give them everything want, but I try my best to. There are many men that hold the same values, as well as strong independent women. Thoes certin values and work ethics are getting harder and harder to come by these days. To prepare for future events weather good or bad is a great and a seriously smart thing to do. Spending unnecessary money on your wants and not your needs is stupid and just plain reckless. The actions of his frivolous spending will surely come back to bite him in the rear end. Rest assure if you choose to stand by his side you will sink with him into the abyss of debt.

__________ Sat May 30, 2015 7:06 am __________

I think I quoted that wrong :x