Shara
Well-known member
I guess I have too much on my plate. Hard for me to admit, espessially because it means cutting down on things. 
My dog, Koda, who is my world, is going to be finding a new home. I think with the depression, two kids, being alone, the rabbits, the house, and needing to do so many chores by hand (washing clothes, heating water, keeping the fire going) it's just too much for me. I won't be on for a while while I figure out being a person again...my life has become the internet (or maybe it always was, and I am just now realizing it). I need to be with my kids, maintain my house, and care for my animals. I need to become human again, and not just the name on a screen.
I feel like my life has gotten away from me, and everyone around me has suffered for it. I really feel like a failure right now...but I know I just need to reset myself. I need to get in a groove that is a more normal one, and reclaim my life. So many things have happened, and I find my day slipping away before I have even started it. That's not okay. I don't want my life to pass me by.
What will people remember me by?
"she was always online...her house was trashed...her kids were unruly"
I see my dog, he wants to go play. I can't let him. I am not supposed to have him, and his misery is killing me. The rabbits are dying off. WHy can't I get a litter to live?! Three kits have survived out of 22. Yes, eight were orphans...but what about the 14 who still had moms? Only three? So I am going to not breed for a month or two. Just chill out, reasses...I may even sell the rabbits I have. I may need to just take a break and find out who I am. I really have no business owning animals right now, anyways. I mean, I can't even pay my bills.
~sigh~
So if you don't see me for a while, dont worry too much. I am still out there, somewhere. But I need something. The internet has become a crutch for me. Somewhere where I can escape the pain of real life, and how is that any different than a drug? I need to calm down away.
My kids have health issues. Tristan has begun having episodes where he gets deprived of O2...it may be normal...maybe not. But it scares me so bads to see him blue...not breathing...and thinking about it...
What would I do if one of the kids died for some reason? It would plague me that they didn't have the mother I wanted them to. And if they grow up...which they are, too quickly, an I look back on my life. I need to make memories with them. I need to see that I didnt hop on the web each time I was ptting them to sleep, each time I got stressed, each time the baby needed fed. I need to be present with them.
I know this sounds like I am a bad mom. I probably am. I just want my kids to have a good mommy. A mommy who is there, teaching and guiding and playing with them.
Koda needs a home where he can go out and play. A home where they are not constantl;y worrying he will be seen. A home that can afford the vet bills he will obviously have. Someday, maybe I can get a pup. But right now, there is too much going on.
Basically, I am saying I screwed up. I thought I was clean, but I'm not. The web has become my drug of choice. It is my all powerful addiction. My idol.
For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I need to change.
And I will be back on, soon, likely. But not for a while.
Thank you all for being such awesome friends.
My dog, Koda, who is my world, is going to be finding a new home.
I think with the depression, two kids, being alone, the rabbits, the house, and needing to do so many chores by hand (washing clothes, heating water, keeping the fire going) it's just too much for me. I won't be on for a while while I figure out being a person again...my life has become the internet (or maybe it always was, and I am just now realizing it). I need to be with my kids, maintain my house, and care for my animals. I need to become human again, and not just the name on a screen. I feel like my life has gotten away from me, and everyone around me has suffered for it. I really feel like a failure right now...but I know I just need to reset myself. I need to get in a groove that is a more normal one, and reclaim my life. So many things have happened, and I find my day slipping away before I have even started it. That's not okay. I don't want my life to pass me by.
What will people remember me by?
"she was always online...her house was trashed...her kids were unruly"
I see my dog, he wants to go play. I can't let him. I am not supposed to have him, and his misery is killing me. The rabbits are dying off. WHy can't I get a litter to live?! Three kits have survived out of 22. Yes, eight were orphans...but what about the 14 who still had moms? Only three? So I am going to not breed for a month or two. Just chill out, reasses...I may even sell the rabbits I have. I may need to just take a break and find out who I am. I really have no business owning animals right now, anyways. I mean, I can't even pay my bills.
~sigh~
So if you don't see me for a while, dont worry too much. I am still out there, somewhere. But I need something. The internet has become a crutch for me. Somewhere where I can escape the pain of real life, and how is that any different than a drug? I need to calm down away.
My kids have health issues. Tristan has begun having episodes where he gets deprived of O2...it may be normal...maybe not. But it scares me so bads to see him blue...not breathing...and thinking about it...
What would I do if one of the kids died for some reason? It would plague me that they didn't have the mother I wanted them to. And if they grow up...which they are, too quickly, an I look back on my life. I need to make memories with them. I need to see that I didnt hop on the web each time I was ptting them to sleep, each time I got stressed, each time the baby needed fed. I need to be present with them.
I know this sounds like I am a bad mom. I probably am. I just want my kids to have a good mommy. A mommy who is there, teaching and guiding and playing with them.
Koda needs a home where he can go out and play. A home where they are not constantl;y worrying he will be seen. A home that can afford the vet bills he will obviously have. Someday, maybe I can get a pup. But right now, there is too much going on.
Basically, I am saying I screwed up. I thought I was clean, but I'm not. The web has become my drug of choice. It is my all powerful addiction. My idol.
For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I need to change.
And I will be back on, soon, likely. But not for a while.
Thank you all for being such awesome friends.
