Good job I'm not living in China

[Ivory]

The Chinese just passed a law that will make it a criminal offense, punishable by a prison term, if adult children do not visit their parents.

This is going to be a long, potentially boring, personal post, but I need to get it off my chest.

It's six years now since my mother died, at the age of 90.

At first I was relieved, but over the last three years or so, I have begun to regret that I never had a better relationship with her.

She could never accept that her children had grown up, never gave any respect, offered encouragement or left us to make our own mistakes, what we did get was constant put downs, criticism, and instructions. Kudos to her though, she was never slow to give us financial help.

I am eight years younger than my brother, in my entire life, I don't think I ever heard her say anything nice to him. No wonder he couldn't wait to leave home.

My other brother probably fared the best, he was a talented artist, and he was the only one of us to go to university. My mother loved to boast about his achievements.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't all bad. We grew up poor but we never went without anything because she was always resourceful, an excellent housekeeper, a good cook and a great gardener who grew most of our fruit and vegetables.

I learned an awful lot from her too. She taught me about the stars and the planets, nature, how to care for animals, home maintenance, an appreciation of the arts, first aid and how to care for the sick, good manners and a strong work ethic. The three things she failed to teach me were housekeeping, cooking and gardening, the three things she was best at. I could never meet her standards.

I often wonder if she ever realised how much she alienated her family. Not just her children, but her grandchildren, daughters in law, friends, neighbours and two husbands. In 1998 her younger brother, who has lived in Tasmania since 1966, came over to stay with her, they were both in their eighties. I asked him how his visit was going and he told me: "I just have to remember I'm only the little brother."

I have so many regrets about the relationship with my mother. I try hard not to blame my own failures on her, but its hard.

Does any one else have regrets they cannot resolve?

 

[Cottie]

I have a lot of family regrets. I regret that I didn't listen to my grandfather's advice when I was much younger. There are current family situations I'm sure I'll regret when there's no turning back, but right now I'm handling them in such a way to keep my sanity.

I'm sorry you're regretting things. Your mother sounds a lot like my fiancee's mother. He hasn't come to accept it the way a few of his older siblings have yet, but a relationship must be a 2-way street. He can't do more of the relationship work she is capable of doing, but simply refuses to do.

 

[Ivory]

a relationship must be a 2-way street.

I agree, but its amazing how much damage, one person who doesn't want to play nice can do. My mother didn't just destroy my relationship with her, she also destroyed my relationship with my brothers, both of whom I have really only started to talk to since she died, and between me and my children - that I really regret.

 

[dragonladyleanne]

Our parents do shape us, but we do NOT have to "become them". My dad's father was an abusive alcoholic, back in the days when women were supposed to "put up with it", so his mom DID, until the older brother joined the USAF to get away, and my dad was 14. He came home to find his dad hitting his mom one day, and first sicced his dog on the man, then knocked him out with the fireplace poker when the dog was flung off. My grandmother told me THAT was when she decided to leave, because she thought for a moment my dad had killed him, and when she realized he was just knocked out, "my boy was not going to jail over that drunken ***". My dad had a temper, he "inherited" that and many other things from his father - but he made a conscious decision to not only avoid being like his dad, but to tell my brother and I about it as we grew up (we never met my biological grandfather, but had a wonderful "Pa B" who married my grandmother a few years before I was born), so we could learn to choose our own path as well.

While your kids and siblings are still on this earth, make an effort to mend fences where you can. If they don't want to reciprocate, you at least will know you tried.

 

[Marinea]

First of all, (hugs) to you all. Having issues with family can be the hardest to resolve. They are "supposed" to be the ones we turn to, the ones we can lean on, the ones we learn from, the ones we can always depend on, and that doesn't always happen.

Do I have regrets? Of course. I don't think anyone who has lived a life outside of a box has not had something they would change about their life. For me, the important issue is how I deal with it. It was a huge life lesson for me to learn that the only person I can really create change in is myself. I can only learn from others, not change them. If I want a change in my life, I have to make it.

I try very hard not to let things that have happened yesterday affect my today...or my tomorrow. Life is too short to not be present in every moment. I am a product of family and friends and life experiences, but who I am, right this minute, is my choice.

 

[WildWolf]

Good post, Marinea!

 

[squidpop]

My parents where both really messed up. My mother was schizophrenic and my father was a PHD mathematical genius asbergers severe alchoholic. Lots of things went wrong when I was a kid but that was 35 years ago- I don't think about it anymore it seems like it all happened to someone else I read about in a book, I guess I just don't look back.

Its really interesting about China and how different the culture is. I used to teach a lot of college age Chinese students and they would talk about how much they loved and respected their parents all the time.

 

[SatinsRule]

Ivory, it seems to me that your mom wanted each of you to achieve all that you could, and was critical as a means to push you to that end. It may not seem like much of a consolation, but how much she bragged on the one child who finished a college degree is a strong indication of that, at least in my mind.

Not sure if you follow competitive sports, but there is a now former female basketball coach who did everything she could think of to try and please her father and win over his praise and affection growing up. Not until very late in her professional career as a coach could she ever remember her dad so much as hugging her, but he was hard on her to keep trying harder and harder, and she did so.

Her name? Pat Summitt, a name that's pretty much synonymous with success in this country after her career as the head basketball coach of the Tennessee Lady Volunteers, as well as an Olympic gold medalist coach and promoter of women's athletics in general.

It's often not that they love you any less, just that they want you to reach the absolute pinnacle of your potential and are not satisfied until you do so. Read this article and you'll understand what I am talking about: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/ ... ?eref=sisf