Buyer 'Likes' You...How Common is This?

[OldEnglishSilvers88]

So like anyone on here, I raise and breed rabbits. I mainly breed pedigreed Silver Foxes. Anyways, I have a weird message to ask about, just wanting to know if anyone else has went through this?


One of my buyers ( a guy) has bought a few rabbits from me and wants more, we do text a lot about it but he's been a little too friendly lately. He recently asked about when I was moving, I said soon and he asked for my new number in case of questions and just to say hey every once in a while (which I agreed to). He is married. Every time I've meet them for a rabbit, he'd follow me to my car while she'd be over by there's to talk to me about stuff other than rabbits. He sends me smilie faces through text, etc. Does he like me or something? Wants to be friends? Maybe I'm just getting the wrong message but none of my other buyers have done this or do it. Why?

 

[SarniaTricia]

It doesn't sound more than social to me....

I found out, through experiencing it myself, that some cultures find it offensive if you just talk "business" .... there is an expected "social" small talk required and repeat contacts for no business reason....

When I say "culture" I am referring to a family culture / work culture; not necessarily an ethnic culture.

This is also the "culture" of sales people... they find something you have in common (sometimes studying your interests) and small talk is a lot of the connecting part of the "sales pitch", repeat and regular contact with people is also part of the "sales" culture... some people are naturals at this and others need to really work at it to "sell"

I wouldn't worry about it unless it crosses a "line"
(you should decide what that line is)

 

[Dood]

I agree Sarnia Tricia, just sounds like a very friendly person

 

[skysthelimit]

I've made some really good friends that way.

 

[Nymphadora]

Hi OldEnglishSilvers!

It sounds to me like he’s just being very friendly, as well, but if it makes you uncomfortable you could try distancing yourself from him a little at a time.

I tend to be very picky about who I see as “friends” vs. “acquaintances” (although if you like animals, you stand a heck of a lot better chance of being put in the “friends” category). By nature, I am an introvert, so social interactions tend to wear me out very quickly and I don’t typically enjoy people making more friendly advances than necessary (I will either warm up to you, or not, end of story).

If his friendliness is overwhelming for you at times, maybe respond to his texts more slowly (give it a few hours or a full day before replying… you can be busy doing chores/errands/whatever and it’s really nobody’s business but your own what you do in your free time). When he comes to visit, try to include his wife in the proceedings. Interacting with him can be friendly, but you are not required to be his new best friend if you don’t want to be. He might genuinely enjoy your company, and having a friend that knows about rabbits is certainly useful when you’re new to raising them, but he may not realize he’s being overly friendly in your perspective. Gently putting a little distance in your correspondence may help with that.

 

[Zass]

I've met a few great friends through rabbit raising. Even men with wives or girlfriends have exchanged emails and talked about not necessarily rabbit related subjects. None have ever made me uncomfortable. I think it's not uncommon for people to get excited about shared hobbies and just want to become closer. I agree with Nymphadora 100% though, in that it's up to you to show him how much or how close of contact you are comfortable with.

 

[OldEnglishSilvers88]

Thanks for all the replies, guys!


I really liked Nymphadora's reply. I really appreciated your guys' answers ( I have some social anxiety issues so I'm not 100% sure what to do here, if anything, I'm really glad for the help). So, I have more:

He recently asked me if I could re-type the rabbits' pedigrees I sold him ( I used my relative's database because I didn't have my own and they said I could try out theirs to see if I liked it before I got my own one, so the breeder name on the pedigrees was in the relative's name not mine, which I had discussed with him previously) so I re-type them in my name and ask if he wants them e-mail PDF'd to him or through mail, he is asking to meet me in person for them...he already has the pedigrees just not the ones with my name on them, so I don't understand the meet for them wish. I'm suppose to meet him Saturday.

I met him last Saturday for some more rabbits, and we were standing side by side while I explained how the pedigrees worked and after I was done, he quickly whispered in my ear that I was beautiful. I left after that and as I was getting ready to go, I heard his wife ask him what he whispered to me and he shrugged and said it was nothing.

He's now resorted to calling me dear instead of my name.


Does he like me??? I'm blind.

 

[DaytonHillRabbits]

Sorry, but with the latest post that is 100 percent inappropriate for a married man to be pulling this stunt. He's putting you in an uncomfortable situation and that isn't ok. You aren't blind, your instincts are screaming at you to run. Listen to them. I would NOT meet up to give him pedigrees you've already provided and I would very clearly let him know that you will email PDF's, but that you are finished with this interaction. You do not wish to have further contact as he's made you uncomfortable. And then do not respond in any way to him. This guy is a creep IMO. There is no good reason for essentially a stranger to whisper anything in your ear, especially that you are beautiful. ESPECIALLY with his wife present! Ew!

 

[Winterwolf]

This might be due to my own social anxieties, but he sounds pretty fishy to me. And, yeah, I can't picture even really friendly people telling someone they're beautiful simply because they want to be buddies. If it was me, I'd definitely mail him the pedigrees instead of meeting in person. Might want to contact him via email instead of cell phone, too, but that's entirely up to you.

 

[MaggieJ]

This sheds a different light on the situation. It sounds to me as though this guy is coming on to you.

If I were you I would tell him you are unable to meet him on Saturday, and that you will mail or email the pedigrees. You do not need to apologize, make an excuse, or give him a reason; it's none of his business. If he presses, just say that something came up.

I'm not the person to advise you on what you should say if he continues to push the boundaries. I've always been blunt when dealing with unwanted attention, but I am out of date on what is currently appropriate . . . So many things have changed since I was last on my own back in the early '90s.

It is going to be up to you to set the limits in one way or another. It is clear he is not likely to, since he is escalating the behaviour that has made you uncomfortable from the beginning.

 

[SarniaTricia]

WOW!
This guy has officially stepped over your "line"

He has gone from friendly to creepy in no time....
Personally, I would tell him his comment made me seriously uncomfortable and the pedigrees he is requesting will be coming by email.

I would also stop communicating with him.

:delete: :indy-jones: :hand:

 

[Nymphadora]

Yup, that would definitely be crossing the line for me. Listen to what everyone else has said and just email or mail the pedigrees to him. Tell him something came up and you will not be meeting him on Saturday, and he has made you feel incredibly uncomfortable. And then just stop interacting with him altogether. No more texting/emails/etc. If he keeps pressing the issue, stand your ground.

There are so many wonderful people in this hobby, you don't have to put up with every single one. There will still be plenty of great friends for you to meet.

 

[OldEnglishSilvers88]

Thanks everyone!


Should I just go ahead and meet for the pedigrees? I mean I already have them printed and everything...does anyone think it would be safe to meet him with another buyer? (I have to sell one to someone else) on the same day. Or is that a dumb idea? Sorry for being naive. I've never had this happen. Will he get too "aggressive" if you will with me and try anything negative? He won't try to get sexual with me will he? I want to politely tell him that I will not lead this on, and I was okay with a platonic relationship but now I am confused.

 

[MaggieJ]

OldeEnglish, I don't know how old you are (and no need to tell us--please keep your personal information out of the public eye), but you sound young, very nice, and possibly a touch naive. Don't let your "niceness" put you at risk.

There is no way to tell ahead of time how he will act if you meet him. A third person would likely deter any physical advances, but if even his wife's presence is not enough to keep him in line, I don't think you would be wise to take the chance of meeting him. At the very least, he may take it as encouragement.

Email the pedigrees or offer to snail-mail them if you prefer. Contact him only by email and keep the message formal and businesslike. The advantage of snail-mail is that you will have a name and postal address to give to the police in the event that he begins to stalk you. It probably won't happen, but these days you never know. Do not put your return address on the envelope!

 

[OldEnglishSilvers88]

How can I tell him politely that I don't want this? I definitely don't want his attention in this way but I feel bad or something. If he genuinely likes me then I don't want to be a jerk about it but this isn't appropriate either. Why do I have to be so nice? :x

 

[MaggieJ]

You don't need to tell him a thing. He has to know his behaviour is wrong or he wouldn't be lying to his wife. Don't let him make you feel bad; he isn't worth it.

If he doesn't take a hint from your "change of plans" and he asks you point-blank why you don't want to meet him, you could tell him that he makes you uncomfortable. But don't get into a discussion or he will try to talk you out of your honest feelings.

At risk of giving you some unwelcome advice, I would suggest you get a good book on assertiveness training. In my day, this usually meant Manuel J Smith's book titled When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I know it helped me learn how to handle tough situations like this without being rude and without feeling bad about it. Just a suggestion.

 

[Nymphadora]

Maggie has the right idea here. If you can't tell him no without an excuse (I have trouble with this) just tell him things came up and you won’t be able to meet with him on Saturday (if he makes you uncomfortable you absolutely don’t have to interact in person). He doesn’t have to know you’ll be in the area anyways due to another sale, or anything like that.

He may still think of himself as a nice guy, or just friendly, but it’s clear that you are uncomfortable in this situation. I don’t imagine he would become “aggressive” right away, but there are different levels of aggression (emotional/physical/etc.) and only you know what the situation with him is. Trust your instincts, though, they tend to be there for a reason. The snail mail idea from Maggie of not including a return address might be a good idea, as well. Even if the pedigrees get lost in the mail and the postal service can’t get them back to you, you have an electronic version you can send if all else fails, right?

And don’t worry about being too nice in this case. It has taken me years (and I mean years) to learn how to politely but firmly tell people no. And in part I have to thank my husband and my best friend for encouraging me to listen to my heart once in a while and stop thinking about what everyone else around me wants/expects/demands. It comes with my personality; it’s not a flaw, just a part of who I am and how my thought-process works. But if I only take care of the people around me, I will wear myself out, so go ahead and do what you need sometimes. It’s good for you, too.

 

[Zass]

How can I tell him politely that I don't want this? I definitely don't want his attention in this way but I feel bad or something. If he genuinely likes me then I don't want to be a jerk about it but this isn't appropriate either. Why do I have to be so nice? :x

Honestly, he has no right to "like" you when he is already married.

You will have to crush LOTS men's feelings in your life.
It will never feel good.
Actually, it shows something very off about him that he has even put you in this position to begin with.. I wouldn't be surprised that he's picked up that you are nice and think you might be easy to manipulate. It's all a huge red flag.
I only know that I personally wouldn't want to meet him again, and I certainly wouldn't engage in ANY conversations about "feelings" with him, as it would open up a window to allow for manipulation. Remember this, rejected men often become quite abusive, as many have a strong desire to punish women for rejecting them.
Often this is just a little bit of verbal or emotional abuse (not often physical,) but it's still not a situation you have to endure.

The safest thing you can do is to simple cut out as much communication as possible.

 

[OldEnglishSilvers88]

Thanks!

I'm taking your advice at Zass...even though I feel bad, but like you said, he has no business liking me like that.


Maggie,

I will take your advice and find a good book on that.



I did tell him that I am not meeting and I will PDF them. I didn't say I felt bad. He asked why and I stated that this was uncomfortable. He says he is sorry but understands and that he does like me which is why he whispered that I am beautiful in my ear so his wife wouldn't hear and that he hates that he came off as being creepy but he says he doesn't know how to let this go since I am not interested and he is asking for advice from ME how to let go of me...umm.

 

[MaggieJ]

Sounds to me kind of like he is trying to maintain interaction by enlisting you as his therapist. :?

At his age and with his experience, he should know that unrequited feelings do fade with time. He will get over it--and all the faster without your "help."