My rant - partner getting a loan for car

[Tbgb1912]

I really just need somewhere to vent and release some anger.

We're a young couple, been together coming up three years and living together only one of those three. He has a fantastic job, earning a lot of money, but he just throws it away like its nothing. I'm often called a tight-donkey :lol: If I want or need something then I shop around for the best bargains, and like to see my bank account grow. If I don't need something, I won't buy it. If I don't have the money for it, save. I was just brought up like that. I don't like the idea of owing somebody, of being in debt, or needing help. I like to be able to know I own it, and paid for it myself.
But him however, being a young and not yet matured male I suppose, wastes his money. And his parents are supporting him - they're allowing him to get the loan for this car under their name so he gets a cheaper interest rate. My parents are constantly telling me "it's his money" but I feel we're at different stages in our lives, or maybe we're just too different. What happens when we want to potentially buy a house and I'm contributing more to it than he? Or if a baby came along - he wouldn't be able to support it? Etc.

Examples of his money wasting: ordering rims for his ute, the shop ordered in the wrong offset but he didn't want to be rude and say to the guy that they weren't the right ones, and to order in the ones he wanted. Cost: $1300 he then sold those rims for $800, a loss of $500. And ordered a new set which I think was around the $1000 mark.
Another example: he wanted to buy new wheel nuts for the rims - went into the shop to order blue wheel nuts thinking they'd be around $30 (but didn't ask the shop assistant because he was busy) within the next couple of days they arrived and turned out to be $100. He of course didn't want to feel rude and say they were too expensive so he bought them.
Another example: spent $550 on a pocket bike (which I told him was for about a five year old to be riding) he had it for the weekend, but being over six foot tall, he got a sore back from it and sold it for $400.

These are just a few frustrating examples. And now he has agreed to buy a new car after a. Seeing it only in the dark with a torch light b. Not taking it for a check or warrant to see if anything would need to be done/fixed on it c. Taking his mate who has a similar car to view it. I feel that by buying this new car (ford falcon xr6 turbo - any young guys infatuation) he will be "cool". He hasn't at all thought about practicality. He has a dirtbike and goes out riding every weekend. Hence why he had a ute, to put his dirtbike on the deck. We have no room for a trailer at our flat, and since he is now buying this new car with no means of transporting the dirtbike so he has said he will leave the dirtbike at his parents where he can use their trailer too.

AND those cars are expensive to run too.

I feel that this is going to be his biggest mistake. I think really, the main problem is taking out a $12,000 loan for this car that he will be paying off over five years when really, it has too many kms on the clock to be worth much after he finishes paying it off, and after he pays the bank the interest. And what about insurance costs for it? His ute he's currently paying $80 a month insurance for it, but this car I imagine would be so much dearer, since he's a young, male driver. And what happens if within a month or two, the car breaks down and costs $3000 to fix? (I don't know how much the computers on those cost, or any repairs really) then he would have to get that out on another loan to pay for it. I just feel like once he gets that loan, he'll see it as an easier way of buying and paying for things, and where does that cycle end? He'd be constantly in debt, and that's not someone I want to be with. He has the potential to have so much money if he was only sensible with it.

It's just so frustrating being with him sometimes! :evil: :rant: :wall: :furious: :chair:

 

[the reluctant farmer]

Yowch Tbgb. That is tough--for you right now, and him eventually. So sorry. I don't know his side, but these differences in values usually don't improve. It's one thing when you're rolling your eyes about a guy leaving the toilet seat up, but this is a habit that could ruin his life (and yours, if you are along for the ride.) It does sound immature, and possibly lacking in confidence ( or he is used to others handling uncomfortable conversations for him.). Sounds like your instincts are solid. He might be a sweet, fun guy, but ...

You can't force others to change. You can help them on their journey, but they have to want to change or it won't stick.

Sounds like he may need time to grow up & work it out--and not on your time or with your pocketbook.

 

[Zass]

One wonders...who is he trying to impress?

Maybe it's just my neck of the woods, but standing up for yourself and doing what needs done tends to be seen as a whole lot more manly and attractive than owning flashy things.
Hmm..
I'd feel the same anxiety over debt, but so would my husband.
Neither one of us likes owing anything. :shrug:

Working together, were getting a 30 year mortgage paid off in less than 10 years. It would have been 7 if not for unexpected medical bills. :evil:

 

[Dood]

Certainly not someone I'd be hitching my wagon to :roll:

But I am "frugal" as well :mrgreen: I also DESPISE paying interest and think of all the things I could buy with that money that is just lining some bankers pocket book :angry:

But LOTS of people think dept is unavoidable and a normal part of life :shrug: and it is his money but in the future it could become your dept, bad credit or bankrupty :x

 

[Tbgb1912]

One wonders...who is he trying to impress?

His friends, others I guess. I think at this age a lot of guys have nicer cars, but I don't care for that, why not spend your money more wisely? Maybe I'm just simple and old fashioned. I own a "grannies car" but it's super cheap to run, cheap to maintain and I haven't had any problems with it in the two years I've had it. $3000 well spent, even though some guys give me a hard time about it. But having the newest, flashiest things don't impress me at all. It's stability, and savings, and knowing how to spend wisely.

 

[ladysown]

here I thought I was odd... I like paying cash for things...and see credit cards as back up support only.

 

[Tbgb1912]

here I thought I was odd... I like paying cash for things...and see credit cards as back up support only.

I refuse to own a credit card :lol:

 

[ottersatin]

Your young "Friend"
may be digging a hole for himself deeper than he will be able
to crawl out from under! I hope I am WRONG and in the end everything
works out for the best. Once DEPT gets a stronghold on you,
it takes tremendous strength to remove it's grip from around your throat!
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

 

[Tbgb1912]

Your young "Friend"
may be digging a hole for himself deeper than he will be able
to crawl out from under! I hope I am WRONG and in the end everything
works out for the best. Once DEPT gets a stronghold on you,
it takes tremendous strength to remove it's grip from around your throat!
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

I can see how you are right, and I believe that entirely. But I can't tell him any different. I don't see how his parents are allowing it - whether they just think it will be an expensive mistake for him to learn from or what, I don't know.
Him and I have very different upbringings and different morals and it worries me

 

[MaggieJ]

TBGB, I won't say that you should dump this guy (although I am sure many of us are thinking it would be a good idea) but I strongly suggest that you take steps to make sure you don't get sucked into the vortex of his debts. I am not acquainted with the prevailing laws governing common law relationships in New Zealand, but I do feel you need to look into them and make sure that you are not inadvertently leaving yourself open to ending up sharing the results of his irresponsible behaviour.

Here, I believe, if you present yourselves as a couple to the community, share bank accounts etc. and have cohabited for a year, you are considered common law spouses.

 

[Marinea]

:yeahthat:

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. You don't mention if his spending has caused you two any problems paying your monthly expenses, and maybe he is not so reckless (yet) as to do that, but I would consider this a red flag that needs to be addressed. I am not suggesting you end your relationship, bit I do suggest you ask yourself some questions:

Have I bailed him out of a financial mess before? Have his parents? Did he learn from that?

Am I willing to bail him out of one? At what cost (financially, emotionally)? If bailing him out is going to delay one of my dreams, how long am I willing to put it on hold for?

At the very least, if I were in your shoes, I would sit down and put together a detailed budget based on history, and determine your contribution to your monthly expenses. Once that is done, if you have a joint account, I would only put in enough to cover your portion of those expenses, and the rest of my money would go into a separate account in my name only.

To me, it sounds as if he has been enabled and not made to deal with the fallout from his decisions. His parents and the car is example enough of that. What incentive does he have to change his habits? You may have to give him that incentive.

 

[macksmom98]

I am also sorry about your frustration and what you are going thru. I can't tell you what to do but I would advise you to address it sooner than later. It will likely always be a spires of tension but you will both need to compromise some, which includes him being understanding about your views and opinions and honoring your wishes to an extent. My husband and I are the opposite (I am the spender). I can see how his way is smarter and is better long term for our family, so I basically chose to relinquish major spending decisions to his methods. The big stuff like houses, cars, rims, etc.....and I get my way with smaller things (I enjoy not having dishes to do so we spend some eating out more than he would like, etc....). I would encourage you to put together a long term plan, see where he can feel a little in control, and work on it together. If he's not willing then it likely won't ever improve. It's also important to know if it's impulsive or an overall attitude. If he doesn't see it as a problem it's going I be hard to compromise. In my situation it's more ADD impulsivity, so I truly want to save but find it difficult. It's true what people say, most divorces/break-ups happen over sex or money.....

 

[Zass]

I think the $800 dishwasher is one of the only extravagances we've ever purchased.

It took me YEARS to convince the husband we NEEDED it. (Neither of us enjoy dishes, and you know, you only live once.) :lol:

He hates spending money as much as I do, and we have always lived without auto loans or credit cards. It's only a very small minority who can manage to live like that in the US these days, and many told us it was impossible.

We bought the house with good timing...just waited for the housing market to hit free fall with no end in sight..The bank was literally willing to bend over backwards to get us a mortgage, despite our almost complete lack of credit history.
No prepayment penalty, we've save 1,000s in interest already with large principal payments..

I guess that bank didn't make too much on us. :twisted:

Er...we have a super happy marriage though, I mean, better than I even knew a marriage could be. We're best friends, partners, co-conspirators when necessary.

Sharing core values definitely goes a long way towards long term happiness...along with that other thing macksmom mentioned...

 

[Prisma]

Wow, I can understand your worry and frustration. I wasn't too smart with my credit/debt early on, so now I've got my head on straight I have a plan to try to dig myself out of the hole I'm in. Like others have said, I'd worry about my own neck and what laws state I have to do if some thing does go horribly wrong. I'm all for helping out your partner, but if the relationship itself would go south and some sort of revenge/let's ruin by building up huge debt, might be stuck if with it don't already have a safety net or some thing. I know some can be really defensive if there is some thing brought up, an agreement that your debt is yours and theirs is theirs etc, but that may also be the kick needed to really look and understand from the other side's perspective too. If I could do over again, I would avoid the first car purchase I made like it was on fire among first card and a few other things. The health issues and being out of work that has caused the majority of my issues is/was unavoidable, but it would be better if I'd not made those 18 year old mistakes that are still haunting me...or if I'd just met my other half about 9 months sooner that'd helped too. He's been a great influence on being mindful and diligent in working to be better over all.

 

[katiebear]

I have been married for 35 years...I know how important it is to have common ground. But I think the most important thing is, What, and how much of it,are you willing to put up with?.
My husband has always spent money anyway he wanted..mostly on himself...now that we have no money he is more likely to discuss a perchase,but I don't count on it. It is very disapointing to find a toy that he has purchased and hidden, that says to me that he thinks it is ok to lie or cover up, to get what he wants.
If I had known when I first got into this what I know now, maybe I would have just moved on...I come from a devorced family so I would not do that to my kids...no offence ment to those who are devorced,I just see it differently..
What I am saying is just make sure that you go into this with your eyes open, don't expect him to change, selfish is selfish, it is a core personality trait so you can't change that..I know I will never be #1, when your partener is selfish then they are #1, the best you will ever be is a distant #2, Maybe..after the ones who feed his selfish needs...

 

[ottersatin]

Part of the problem is:
and how do I know, I'm just sort of thinking out of the box.
Many women, ["not ALL"] see the man/person they are attracted to as a:
Project that they can/will change into what they believe they want them to be!
Men, are MEN! You must take them as they are. Most Men have been raised to
appreciate the good things in life, and that not everything is a necessity.
We all make acceptations when an item becomes required to accommodate
whatever we feel we need to complete our lives. It just so happens that
one or the other partner forgets that it IS a partnership. For all things to succeed
there has to be an agreement on what and how much is invested in whatever item
each team member feels is necessary. I hope all things will fall into place.
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

 

[Ncrabbit]

A mans perspective. I have been married over 30 years. Had the same job throughout the marriage. My wife has worked throughout the marriage. I have to admit I have spent money that I shouldn't have for hobbies such as hunting and hunting. Never that amount but into the thousands. One thing I have learned though is that communication between husband and wife is a must. For me it is anyway. We don't always agree on what is spent but it is always discussed. I think the most important thing I have learned is to wait 48'hrs before I buy something I want. It kinda takes care of the impulse buying.

 

[Tbgb1912]

Here, I believe, if you present yourselves as a couple to the community, share bank accounts etc. and have cohabited for a year, you are considered common law spouses.

I should probably look into the laws regarding it, yes.

The only bank account we share is a holiday savings, because I knew he wouldn't be able to save for a holiday we have planned

 

[EnglishSpot]

I am married to a man such as you describe. After bankruptcy and his parents digging him (and ultimately us) out of the hole he put us in, he's doing it again. This time I told him that when (not if, because in 17 years I know his financial habits) we lose the house, he and the kids can go live with his parents, because I am not. We did that once already. I earn 2.5x more than he does and I can't keep our heads above water beyond summer. He subscribes to shopping therapy when things are stressful and because of his other job and lack of finances, there are always packages on our doorstep.

I've learned to almost hate the man I have married because he puts his wants and needs ahead of the family, self control be damned. The worst part is (and best part since there are kids now) is that his folks will bail him/us out. I would have chosen differently if I had known he wouldn't "grow out" of his financial idiocy and selfishness.

My advice is that he's not worth the misery he's going to put you through.

I did tell him for every package that shows up on the doorstep from now on, I am entitled to an extra rabbit. He didn't like that one bit.

 

[Tbgb1912]

You don't mention if his spending has caused you two any problems paying your monthly expenses, and maybe he is not so reckless (yet) as to do that, but I would consider this a red flag that needs to be addressed.


At the very least, if I were in your shoes, I would sit down and put together a detailed budget based on history, and determine your contribution to your monthly expenses. Once that is done, if you have a joint account, I would only put in enough to cover your portion of those expenses, and the rest of my money would go into a separate account in my name only.

To me, it sounds as if he has been enabled and not made to deal with the fallout from his decisions. His parents and the car is example enough of that. What incentive does he have to change his habits? You may have to give him that incentive.

He hasn't had problems paying rent, bills, etc. he has some savings, very minimal, but that will now change upon purchasing this car.
My account will be staying my own :lol:
I really just don't understand how his parents can sit back and laugh at his foolish spendings. Wouldn't they want their child to be sensible with its money? *shrugs* and considering he has said that the loan and insurance for this car will be under his parents name. Regarding that, I feel like he needs to stand on his own two feet and stop relying on his parents for things. I can't be hypocritical, as my parents are great support, but loaning money under their name is a no no.

__________ Fri May 29, 2015 7:02 am __________

My husband has always spent money anyway he wanted..mostly on himself...now that we have no money he is more likely to discuss a perchase,but I don't count on it. It is very disapointing to find a toy that he has purchased and hidden, that says to me that he thinks it is ok to lie or cover up, to get what he wants.

He isn't at the point where he is buying things and not telling me, thankfully. He'll find something online and mention something about it, where I would then try to discourage him from buying it e.g. We don't have any room for it, you wouldn't use it, it would be too expensive to run, etc. but he doesn't listen to me and usually goes ahead with it anyway.
I think he has too much time to sit down flicking through the Internet at things that pop up that are for sale. That's when he gets the ideas for things that he wants.
Is there any way I can stop this? (without sounding too controlling!)

__________ Fri May 29, 2015 7:09 am __________

We all make acceptations when an item becomes required to accommodate
whatever we feel we need to complete our lives. It just so happens that
one or the other partner forgets that it IS a partnership. For all things to succeed
there has to be an agreement on what and how much is invested in whatever item
each team member feels is necessary. I hope all things will fall into place.
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

Partnership, yes, but what is the point in ones opinion if it isn't taken into consideration anyway? Surely the amount of times I have proven him right when his spendings, or projects, haven't gone right would maybe get him to listen to me? $12000 will likely be an expensive mistake..
Yes we all make acceptions when the other buys something, but when it is he every weekend or every second weekend, then something has to give?
Should it be my problem, when it is his money in the first place? I think I just don't want to see him ruin himself, when clearly his parents aren't doing a good job of advising him. But who am I to judge their morals or upbringings of their child

Maybe you are right about women wanting to mould men into someone, or something they want them to be. That's something for me to think on. I cannot push him to change - he'll dig his heels in - I just want him to see some sense in his ways. But sitting him down to talk about this, as I did last night, caused him to storm out on me. I feel that he's in denial..