I need to vent about my situation, not rabbits

[Sagebrush]

Well life has a way of making you feel like absolute crap when you are already mired in it.

After I had gotten my first rabbits, of which he had agreed to me getting, I was greeted by my husband when he got off work the day AFTER valentines day with his stating that "I want a Divorce." My two young boys where next door at his mom's house while I was doing some deep cleaning to surprise him. Needless to say I was floored. He had made it the most romantic valentines day since we where first married back in 2004. He didn't give me a reason why besides "You are too much like your mother and I hate her." He left that night and I was there still sitting on the couch crying my eyes out. I have not had the opportunity to work for our entire marriage because he was not willing to watch the kids when he was off work. I had to try and work around his schedule.

Fast forward a month and I am sitting there talking with my landlord about how I can't pay the lot rent for my home because I have not been able to find a job and my soon to be ex has not given me any support for the entire month. I break down and call my dad, no one wants to move back in with their parents at 30.... My dad tells me to get my boys, critters, and myself all packed up and we can move in with him till I can get back on my feet and have a chance at making a new life again. I moved into my dads house on my 31st Birthday....

Around April 14th I am beyond angry and hurt with this "guy" who is treating me like a high school girlfriend that he doesn't want around anymore. So I decided I would file for divorce, I just want it over with at this point. I asked for the bare minimum that the state would allow. He is now saying that what I asked for is WAY TO MUCH for him to afford.

Now I am hurt and pissed, cause it feels like he would rather woo his girlfriend (That he has had for the last year and a half) then provide for his boys. I have not said anything for so very long that it just finally came to a head that I needed to be able to tell someone and hopefully get some advice for what I can do about my situation. Thanks for listening/reading my sad state of affairs.

 

[MaggieJ]

I'm so sorry, Sagebrush. It would be easy to say that you are well rid of him, but I know that is cold comfort at a time like this.

I hope you have a good lawyer. Unless your laws are very different from ours, your ex-husband-to-be is obliged by law to provide child support and perhaps spousal support for you at least for a time. It may take time to get things sorted, however, and it is great that your dad has stepped up to help you out.

Know that we are here for you and will be keeping you in our thoughts and wishing you a speedy passage through this difficult time. Many of us have been in a similar situation and we know the pain. It's not good to keep it all bottled up. If you can get some kind of counselling or find a support group, it may be helpful. Sometimes just being able to call someone and talk is a great relief.

Well, I haven't said anything very wise, I'm afraid, or anything that you likely haven't told yourself. But hang in there kiddo... better times ahead. (((HUGS)))

 

[Random Rabbit]

So Very Sorry that this has been thrown in Your lap.

Do NOT feel guilty asking him to support His children. Any man worthy to be called a Man... should be more than willing to support those he helped create . "Dear" GF will just have to take a second seat to the children. No matter his protesting that he "helps out"... get a court order ! It is strange how over time, certain fellas conveniently "forget" that they have obligations. A court order helps them Remember.

Again... so very sorry. I know that it hurts like heck ! :badmood: Huggs to You.

 

[michaels4gardens]

to thine ownself be true, -- take care of your self and your boys, his needs, feelings, and budget are not your problem anymore.
get what you can, and let the judge decide if he can afford it.

 

[Featherhoof]

I went through a divorce at 31 and moved in with my parents with my daughter. We lived with them for three years and are now in our own home. Things do get better. Things get better sooner after seeing a good lawyer, though.

 

[Zass]

STRONG ADVICE, get the law to decide the child support.

It will make any conflict between you two much less in the long run.

 

[arachyd]

He has decided he is more important than his family. He has also removed himself from the family. He has not been on the outside looking in wanting to help. In his mind the only important thing is him and his feelings and wants. That means your family is you and your kids. As head of the family you are responsible to your kids, not an outsider who wants to benefit any way he can but not contribute appropriately. Ask for more than the minimum. As for a lot more and let him have to justify why he shouldn't have to pay it. The judge will listen to his side too but if he's just being selfish the judge will award a fair amount. You will most likely get the nickname all women get when the ex finds out they're no longer your primary concern but why should his girlfriend get the money your children need? How dare he even expect you to go along with that? You may have to forcibly snap yourself out of wife mode - I've been there and wife mode when the husband isn't involved in the family does not work out for anyone but the husband who left. Believe me, it gets easier to take charge assertively. The longer you are out of that kind of situation the clearer you can look at it and see what you need to prioritize and what you need to not worry about.

 

[michaels4gardens]

My daughter moved back in to my house with her kids after this happened to her-[she was about your age]- I am glad you have a good Dad, who will help-- not all women are as fortunate -- and ,I loved the time with her and the kids.
Now she has a "good" husband who is responsible, and the kids have a "good" dad.

 

[Marinea]

He didn't want to watch his own children so you could work? He has had a girlfriend for over a year? He doesn't want to support his children?

And you're out of that mess now? Congratulations! I know it sounds cold, but I am sure that once you have your feet under you and things settled, you will be see this as a chance for a new start to a better life, for you and for your children.

Please talk with a good attorney. Do NOT try to handle this on your own, not with children involved. Make sure the attorney understands your spouse's position on support, and push for garnishment to make sure you get the support you are entitled to.

You and your children will be in my thoughts.

 

[Sagebrush]

Thank you all so very much. It is all I can do not to knock the prick out whenever he comes to pick up his children for visitations :evil: . He stays next to his car at the curb instead of putting one foot on my dads property, I think to avoid being taken out by my dad. Anyway I am calling a lawyer on Monday and hoping that he will be willing to take payments since I do not have anything close to what most of the lawyers around her charge for a minimum retainer fee. I have started seeing a councilor every week and am trying to deal with the baggage that I have become burdened with from this marriage. :x

I know I can't go any lower but at least there is some support from my family to help me get back on my feet. Dad loves being able to help with the kids but even he needs a break from them sometimes. My oldest is special needs (mental not physical) and needs constant attention. My youngest is well, a 4 year old little boy full of bliss and vigor. :lol: My dad works from home and I have been helping him with what I can, mainly shipping items that he sells. The buns are helping give us a little extra money from pet sales and of course they help with the food bill :mrgreen: .

I am living by two mantras: "This too shall pass" and "One day, One foot." That along with taking many long walks and playing with the buns helps each day.

Oh and just cause I can't help it, a couple pictures of Tort the doe:

 

[Miss M]

God bless your dad; I'm so glad he's there for you and your children. I'm so sorry that all this has happened, but I agree with the others -- since he has taken himself out of the picture, you just work to pull yourself and your children up. There are attorneys out there who will work with you. I just had to tell my sister-in-law this... it's not about how much you need to scrape by, and how little you can intrude on his finances, but about him taking care of his own, even if you end up with money left over to save for college or to help the kids start businesses of their own. His family is more important than his hormones, whether he thinks so or not.

You're in my prayers.

 

[Comet007]

Love the tort doe (I so hope I get some), but more importantly, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this - even though it sounds like it will be for the best in the long run. Praise to your dad for stepping up where he doesn't have to (what good Dad's do!) and to you, because it sounds like you have the fortitude to work your way through this and come out stronger!

Make sure that you take notes to the attorney, anything you know at all about the girlfriend relationship - any statements he has made, copies of phone bills (showing calls) or anything that you can piece together. I have a cousin who left his wife a couple years ago after having a four year affair with a woman overseas - he waited until she retired from her questionable occupation and wanted to move to the US with him, then he arrived home from a business trip and announced to his wife that he wanted a divorce, had already rented an apartment, and had moved his fiancé!!! to the US to live with him!

States differ in their laws, but courts do tend to frown on cheaters, even if they can't do it overtly. I know that she got the house - he has to pay on it for ten years, then sign it over to her. She gets significant alimony for I think the same length of time, plus 40% of his bonuses from work. Their kids were over 18, so no child support. She also gets a portion of his retirement, and the kicker is that the courts ordered him to pay her attorney fees! Make sure that you hire an attorney who is aggressive and is willing to go for the jugular. Here in WA, it's not considered a "long term" marriage until after 25 years (they had been married 28) and I know that makes a difference usually, but the time frame for that also differs by state. Generally, if a spouse has been a stay at home parent (especially with a special needs child) there is a fairly long period of time where the working spouse has to pay alimony in addition to the child support, and sometimes medical insurance as well. She also had him over a barrel because he wanted to remarry quickly - what an idiot. One other point, if he has any money or assets that he tries to hide, that is something that can give judges leeway to inflict harsher penalties on the offending spouse. That happened with my aunt here in WA state, instead of 50/50 assets the judge assigned I believe 80/20. Whoever said it earlier is right, if you can shed the wife role and the desire to care for HIS needs in favor of looking out for yourself and your children, you will likely come out much better, at least financially.

There are also agencies out there that provide support to women in your situation - and you are likely an EXCELLENT candidate for assistance to go to college, if that's something of interest to you.

All the best to you - I hope that you will take good care of yourself and that you don't take any of his bad behavior onto yourself!

 

[Sagebrush]

Thank you MissM, and Comet007, I am trying the best I can. Yes, Dad is excellent. If it wasn't for him me and the kiddos would have been living on the streets because of the (questionable word) that I have to deal with. I tried many of the legal clinics around me and they would be willing to help if we could do a non-contested divorce. Well he doesn't feel that I deserve alimony or the child support I was asking for. Since I do not know what debts are out there I refuse to pay for any of them. He wants to stick me with at least half the debts. He also doesn't like the visitation schedule that I lined out for him cause he would have to change his days off to accommodate him being able to see the boys. (For a matter of fact he is dropping them off at 4am this morning cause he has to head into work. I refuse to allow him to interrupt their therapies in any way just cause he wants to spend time with them on his days off. They have therapies all during the week, Monday thru Friday. I am calling a lawyer on Monday that I was referred to by a friend. She gave me his number to call this morning though his office doesn't open till Monday. I hope to work out a payment plan with him so that I can have some help. He has all the assets and I am trying my best just to keep my head above water. I will be going to college as soon as my youngest begins Kindergarten, he turns 5 on the 10th. So this fall I am going back and finishing my degree that I put on hold for the plick. I only have the dispatch academy left to complete then I will be a certified 911 operator. 12 years is along time to wait to finish something you love. I did dispatch for Search and Rescue for over 3 years before we got married, that is something else I gave up for him that one day I can get back into.

ETA: double post

 

[arachyd]

Alimony and child support are not things you have to 'deserve'. They are not rewards an ex gets to dangle in front of you. He married you and no matter what kind of ceremony you had marriage is a form of contract in which both have obligations. He didn't uphold his end of that. He had a part in creating the children (if he's a step-dad by marrying you he agreed to take on the role of dad) and has an obligation to help support them. If having the children has prevented you from being able to work he has an added obligation since the children are not only your responsibility. I hate referring to children in this manner but that is the legal reality of it. If you don't know about the debts chances are they are debts he created on his own, not debts that benefited you or the children. You will get through this and you won't recognize the person you become - she'll be amazingly strong, determined to take charge of what's her responsibility and refusing to own a lazy, cheating slacker's responsibilities.

 

[Sagebrush]

Arachyd, he is their biological father. I am hopeing that the lawyer will take payments and help me to get what the boys and I need, not just what I want.

 

[Sinnfox]

This is really sad...clearly he isn't worth it, but you still tried to be nice to him through this. Maybe try being mean...ask for the max of everything. Even if it goes to court that way the ruling will give you what the judge feels is right based on facts no matter what you ask for, but seeing the huge numbers might scare your soon to be ex into being more willing to settle for a more appropriate amount? I understand what you tried to do, believe me. I have tried being nice to some exs that really didn't deserve it, including one that hit me, but in the long run it does no good. Don't feel bad about asking for more then you think might be right if you do end up asking for the max, remember the request for that sum is a means to an end. Ending up getting less means when the ruling is given he can feel smug instead of thinking you screwed him out of money(and he will think that despite how wrong he is). A smug ex happy you got so little is an ex less likely to pitch a fit or cause quite as much more drama.

 

[JohnMc]

Sagebrush, I am just going to go postal.

* First, see if you lawyer can get his fee from your ex. Some states don't allow it, others do. HE asked for the divorce he can pay the freight.

* Little tip, though you already have a lawyer, talk to most of the top lawyers in your area. It sets up issues of recusion for them against you as they have prior knowledge.

* If your ex has to file CS payments with the State post filing, have your lawyer get copies of all documentation for you. Fingerprints too if they have them. If he skips, having all that information can save you headaches in the future. Keep a copy of your own.

* Have your lawyer go for the max on CS. His lawyer will attempt to get it reduced from the get go. Set a realistic target with the help of your lawyer. Always bargin down. Never try to bargin up.

* College? If you think either of the kids are college material, get it in writting now that the ex is on the hook for his portion thereof. If its not in there now, it will be tough to go after it later.

* Visitation rights should be worded at your convenience. Your situation is now such that you have to earn a living. So he can take a backseat to you and the kids. Don't deny visitation but you certainly don't have to bend over backwards to accomodate him either.

Your dad sounds like a stand up guy. Give him an extra hug. Best of luck to you.

 

[DogCatMom]

Thank you all so very much. ...
I know I can't go any lower ....

Well, yes, you *could* go lower. But you won't.

You *could* go back to this sorry excuse for a human being. I'm personally surprised that 1) he's bothering to visit the kids and 2) he's allowed to so so without supervision.

Ask the lawyer about visitation, too.

You'll be all right once a lawyer gets into the situation on your behalf. It could take a while, and it won't be easy, but it will be much better than being two-timed by a lazy XYZ who doesn't even want to watch his own children while his wife improves the family's economy by working outside the home. :angry:

 

[Sagebrush]

JohnMc, I believe both of my boys are college material. The oldest is on medication for his ADHD Impulsive and ODD. He is also to smart for his own good. My youngest is also very smart, and I have a plan to save for them what they will need for College even if the plick skips out. He is former Military and I have all those records right now, in my storage, sitting in a box covered with spiders. If he wants them he has to come onto the property and go through the spiders. He is arachnophobic by the way. :twisted: As for visitation I have it written that he is to pick them up no later than 4:30pm Friday evening and to have them back no later then 4:30pm Sunday evening. That gives him 2 days to have with the boys every weekend. He is not a bad parent, he loves those boys to death. He just doesn't want to have anything to do with me if he can help it.

CatDogMom, there is no way in heck I will EVER go back to that sorry excuse for a "man." He destroyed that when I asked if there was any way we could reconcile our marriage and he said "No, I have already moved on. I do not love you and have not for over a year." So yeah, no going back to that jerk. He has supervision in a way. He has them over at his mothers who happens to live RIGHT, NEXT, DOOR to him. She is the one that makes sure those boys have dinner. He just gets them totally amped out on sugar right before he brings them home at 4am.

His girlfriend already lives with him and they work at the same facility and have the exact same shift and days off, so it is all peachy over there! *sarcasm at its best*

 

[MamaSheepdog]

((HUGS)) to you, Sagebrush! My last visit to RT was on Friday morning, so I was unaware of your situation when we met.

You have gotten excellent legal advice from those who posted before me, and I am especially impressed by this strategy:

talk to most of the top lawyers in your area. It sets up issues of recusion for them against you as they have prior knowledge.

Having had the pleasure of meeting you and your handsome little boys at WCC, I know that you will make it through this just fine. You are a strong woman (YES! You ARE!) and you need to let your MamaBear take over to fight for what is right for you and your sweet sons.