What am I to do?

[TeaTimeBunnies]

I'm not sure if this should actually be in hopping mad or not, but it doesn't have to do with my rabbits so I figured it would be an off topic subject.

Anyway, my fiance and I are still in our early 20s and sorta recently left our "nests" and moved off to college. We live in a house that my mom owns and that is why I can have my pets. Well our dog is only 7 months old and we are still training her. Well rewind to her being about 3 months old. We went and visited his parents and they forcefully convinced him to get me to let them "help train" our dog for about a week.....well they kept coming up with excuses and the week turned into a month. We finally get our dog back, but since his dad stays home all day, she now has separation anxiety. Well my family has delt with this before and uses crate training to ease the dogs stress by giving her her own space that she feels safe in while we are away. Well his family hates crates and sees it as cruel. Not to mention that they hate we have a cable for her until we get the fence up, and they hate the fence because they live in a rural area and don't use them. Well my fiance listened to what I was telling him and I showed him the science behind why we do the crate training. He agreed that it would be better for everyone. Well fast forward a week and a half after us finally getting our dog back, and they show up on our door, calling me an animal abuser, telling him he needs to stand up to me, and that they are taking our dog. I refused to let them take her because we aren't doing anything wrong, and they scared my fiance into silence and tears. They finally gave up and left without your dog, but I was in ruins and very upset with my fiance for not helping me stand up to them as they verbally tore me apart, but then things calmed down. Moving forward a month or so and I go to watch my mom's house while she visits my sister, and I am busy all that week taking care of her animals and house that I completely forgot to tell them I was in town. My fiance informed me (they have my number) that they decided that I was being spiteful and didn't want to let them see the dog, and that I need to not be so easily upset. I finally got a moment, and visited them on my last day in town, and they acted as if nothing was wrong (What?). Now we were in town for the weekend to do a few things. We stayed with my mom because we were doing things at her house. Well Sunday my fiance went to do a few things at his parent's house. He decided to let me sleep in since we'd be going by there later that day anyway. He also didn't think to bring the dog with him. Well when he got there the first thing they asked was were the dog was, and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I wouldn't let him take her to see them (I was asleep mind you), and we're going on about how they don't like how spiteful I'm being, and how I'm treating them poorly. They then started ranting to him how this is how it's going to be when we have kids, and we'd take them to see my mom all the time, but never let them see their grand kids, and so on. I haven't changed my behavior towards them since before we moved away. They are the ones who have changed. I just don't know what to do anymore. They keep insulting me, and downgrading me to my fiance, and telling him how I'm being horrible, but since their attempt to take our dog, they won't say a thing to me. He knows I haven't changed and I very concerned about their behavior towards me, but they won't actually listen to anything either of us have to say when we try to bring up what is going on. Sigh

 

[ladysown]

no advise for you except stand firm. Be accommodating where you can but don't let them push you around.

Your fiancee will need to make some choices. Will he man up and defend his lady or will he let momma push him to tears and silence?

 

[Marie28]

I'm so sorry they are acting this way :[[

It sounds like you need to talk to your fiancé about being a team. Even if he's not doing it on purpose but it sounds like he is letting his parents bully you. You both need to have a game plan and stick together. He needs to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them that he is not going to let them treat you like this. I would also have a heart to heart with his parents. Let them know that you want them to feel comfortable with you and that things have been very hectic in your lives and that you are not trying to keep them out. If they are talking crap behind you back but being civil to your face they might not realize how much they are affecting you or this is just how they deal with life in general. You can't change people but you can control how you act. If anything kill them with kindness (while standing your ground) and stay on the "high" ground.

If anything this shows how THEY will be when you have kids.

 

[TeaTimeBunnies]

Your fiancee will need to make some choices. Will he man up and defend his lady or will he let momma push him to tears and silence?

It's more of his dad than him mom, but it is so hard on him because they forced him to grow up silent. They never allowed him to have an opinion, and punished him when he tried. They didn't listen when he tried to talk to him about any problems he had, and just turned him away telling him they are his parents not his friends. He is terrified of them, so it is very hard for him to stand up to them <br /><br /> __________ Tue Jun 20, 2017 2:00 pm __________ <br /><br />

I'm so sorry they are acting this way :[[

It sounds like you need to talk to your fiancé about being a team. Even if he's not doing it on purpose but it sounds like he is letting his parents bully you. You both need to have a game plan and stick together. He needs to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them that he is not going to let them treat you like this. I would also have a heart to heart with his parents. Let them know that you want them to feel comfortable with you and that things have been very hectic in your lives and that you are not trying to keep them out. If they are talking crap behind you back but being civil to your face they might not realize how much they are affecting you or this is just how they deal with life in general. You can't change people but you can control how you act. If anything kill them with kindness (while standing your ground) and stay on the "high" ground.

If anything this shows how THEY will be when you have kids.

We are working on trying to come up with some plan. Best we got right now is to live how we need to and not change ANYTHING to appease them. He has tried to stand up for me against them, and only managed to come back in tears because they emotionally tore him down. They are the kind of people that in a discussion they will hear your words, not listen to them, and just take your words, twist them to their advantage, and use them against you.

 

[AprilW]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You say that the two of you just recently moved out. It comes to mind that perhaps his parents aren't ready to let him go just yet and have it in their heads that you are "stealing him away". I know when I first moved out, my mom tried to dig her nails in harder, so to speak. That's no excuse for their behavior but it might be the reason. It's important that you and your fiance present yourselves as a team. If they start to berate you or your fiance, you both need to get up and leave immediately. Do not put up with that kind of treatment. You are adults now and you can decide how you will live your life and who you will allow to be part of it! I would sit down and talk to them about their behavior. Try not to be accusatory. Be firm, but kind. Let them know that you don't appreciate being talked to/about this way and you would like to return to the way your relationship once was. Also let them know that you are adults and will make mistakes (or mistakes to their eye) but you need to make those mistakes in order to learn and grow. If they start to argue, that is your cue to leave. Show them you and your fiance won't tolerate that treatment.

 

[SarniaTricia]

I am going to double up a little on what AprilW has said here.....

Two clearly announced meeting need to be set: 1st with the two of you and them:
The two of you need to be clear with each other (and them) on were the boundaries are. You are adults and think about what you would take from a stranger... if you wouldn't take it from a stranger, don't take it from them. (turn it around and ask what they would say if a stranger talked about their son and you this way)

Boundaries need to be set, results of exceeding those boundaries need to be communicated and follow through is needed. Every time!

If it is this bad with a dog, it will be WORSE if you decide to have kids!!

2nd meeting .. just him:
He (NOT YOU) needs to be clear to them that he will not tolerate them bad mouthing you. He needs to leave immediately when they start. If he does this consistently, either their behaviours will change or he will need to make some hard choices.

Make sure the words you use are "I feel ______when you say this.......... and I'm reluctant to come over because I get the impression that _______________.
Have the conversation about your reaction and be especially careful not to accuse or blame.

YOUR dog, your training choices.... If they cannot respect that, they WILL NOT respect your parenting choices... it is one thing to have them say they are taking your dog... it's another for them to call child welfare on you because they do not respect you and feel they can raise a child better...