I Hope I Can Do This....

[Peach]

Well long story short.....

My boyfriend comes from a very,very broken family. A lot of family drama, but he's held his own, put on his big boy pants, and raised himself for the most part with his single mother. I am nothing more than a spectator of their life,but I think sometimes my outsiders perspective has been helpful. His half brother has been off living a life of luxury with his wealthy grandmother over a year and a half or so and has become EXTREMELY spoiled. He is only 11 and he's a compulsive liar and only knows how to take and never give. Now, I can not change what has happened or really go into detail because there is just so much...but it astonishes me how a kid that 11 years old is lying, smoking, etc. Deep down, I know it's because they have lacked stability in their home. There is no father figure. Out of the two times he's been home....he's always cracked when he realized that you can't have the lastest surf board,movie,etc just because you WANT it. It ends up with him wanting to go back to the grandmother that has spoiled him rotten with exotic get aways, designer this,designer that..... I think that his mom and grandfather (now divorced from the grandmother...but still spoiling him) aren't helping the situation by sending him to camps and such to always keep him busy and I talked to her about it tonight. I think he needs to be content with what he has and be comfortable with himself, instead of being tossed into all these camps that are only being used to entertain him and he is bored after a few days. My hope is to teach his younger brother to actually do something out of the goodness of your heart and not expect anything in return. For tomorrow, I've asked my boyfriend to bring his brother at 8am to help me with rabbitry chores,tend to my new ducks (picked them up today. Yay!), and garden. I think it will be good for him to have to tend to animals that depend on if we are willing to get up and care for them every single day. There is a satisfaction you receive when you finish chores for animals that you can't achieve with new designer clothes. If he can get the jobs done (My boyfriend and I helping), then I plan to reward him by going to the farmers market he's been asking us to go to. No work, no market.

 

[Miss M]

Well, it's most definitely a noble plan. It may take more than once for him to start to appreciate the value of his work. You are absolutely right that this is the kind of thing he needs desperately. You're probably in for a lot of whining, but if you can slog through it, you may just break through to him.

:clover:

 

[3mina]

I truly wish you the best of luck

 

[-HRanchito]

Ooh! Rabbit club member!

 

[skysthelimit]

You are a braver soul than I.

 

[Honorine]

Probably not going to work, those who are given everything have a feeling of entitlement even when young, have a princess sister who is still like that at 50 years old. Your going to just get annoyed, expend energy and emotion trying to teach the dirty little booger, and will be disapointed in the end. Cynical? Sure I am, old and evil and wise in the ways of humans? That too. But you be optimistic kitten, and give it your best, good luck!!

 

[LauraNJ]

Good for your boyfriend, that is great, sounds like he has taken control of his life and chosen the right direction.

I feel sad for his half brother though. Kids need and actually want rules and boundaries. If no rules are apparent then they push and push and test to see where the line is drawn. Someone has to draw that line and stand firm so that he grows up to be responsible adult. It is funny but rules actually convey to a child that an adult loves them and cares enough about them that they want them safe and want them to do the right thing. Most important thing to a child besides love is having an adult take time to listen to them, do things with them.

I think it sounds like you are up for the challenge. I would try to get him everyday this summer or at leaast a few times a week- that would be a huge influence on him and one that would last and make an impression. Maybe you could offer that he could be in chare of 1 of the rabbits to be responsible for when he is there? Give him a sense of responsibility. I am thinking good thoughts that you have a great day with him!

 

[Miss M]

He may never want to come back again, but I'd be willing to bet that he'll find himself wanting to come back over and over again... but not know why, because y'all make him work!

 

[ottersatin]

Good luck with your plan Peach,
but I believe you will get nowhere fast.
Once one sees that they can have whatever they want just for the asking,
there is no way they will choose working tro get a reward! Why should they
when everything in the past has always been just given to them?
I respect your thoughts and efforts and certainly hope that I am WRONG
in my belief.
Ottersatin. ldtimer:

 

[Peach]

Well here is what happened today:
Thank you all for your encouragement even when I know that maybe this is probably impossible task.

They arrived and I put him to work with water bowls, scrubbing trays,and such. Only once or twice did I have to really "nudge" him to keep going, but I praised him for his good work. I told him if he would like to show a rabbit, I'd be more than happy to let him show any one of my rabbits if he will help me so often with chores. He really like the idea of that and helped me get all the things I needed done in less than an hour. We treated him to the market, stopped and got breakfast at a little coffee shop, and even went fishing and swimming at a river. Throughout the day, I noticed his lack of patience for things, especially when he was getting frustrated that the waitress had not brought us our drinks...I've never worked as a waitress, but I do work customers service, so I can relate when it's busy in the morning. You can only have so many hands. I explained it to him from my perspective and he seemed to understand. Other than that, the day seemed to be going well and after a few hours of being home, it was like he reverted back to wanting to go back home after coming back from a friends house.

I feel like his compulsive lying got him into trouble, but who am I to know for sure.

Things got pretty crazy for a while and it seemed like my boyfriend made progress talking with him. I had my time to speak with him, and I hope it helps. He only knows to take,but I think it will do him good to give back. If he can stay put, I'd like him to help me out with a school that has requested a little show and tell.

I have to say this is a push and pull on my boyfriend and I relationship. I want to lend a hand, but I feel it is not my place when it is not my brother. It's an odd predicament, but I hope it sorts itself out soon.

 

[LadyKarli]

Well I called you pretty before but Now I see your insides are BEAUTIFUL. The fact you would even try is so great! It is his choice if he lets anything soak in

 

[LauraNJ]

Just keep at it. Everything is different when he is with you and his brother and when things change- kids test you. Stick with him, I think you have made good progress. I love the show rabbit idea, that is great.

Keep us posted on how it is going.

 

[AnnClaire]

Hooboy, you sure have a golden opportunity to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this boy's life! Don't give up, but don't take any guff either. As others have opined, he will test your boundaries, and you may want to wash your hands of him, but that will be when he needs you in his corner the most. Insist on his honesty! Ground rules at your place can most definitely be different than what he operates under at home with Grandma, but you can also explain that he is growing up and you are not going to baby him, rather you are going to expect him to BE RESPONSIBLE for any task he takes on.

At this age, he is WANTING to be a MAN, but is still a little boy in many respects.

As for his lying, I hope you understand that it probably comes from being so neglected (it sounds like you do ) and not having nice things. This will go away when you can get him to understand that his very own little self is the most valuable thing he has. What he learns, and knows, and can do. Not the games and such. Good luck with helping him discard the materialistic crap the grandparents are trying to instill in him!

I hope you and the BF can come together on a plan that will help raise this little brother to be a fine upstanding person just like his big brother is! Like you found at the restaurant, sometimes the kid just needs an explanation ... it sounds like he hasn't gotten very much of that in the past. And it sounds like you have made a great beginning!

Like one lady has in her signature on another forum, "If you want what I have, work for it like I did"

 

[Peach]

You all are wonderful and incredibly sweet :grouphug2:

I have so say that his brother seems to revert back to this boy that wasn't nearly what he was when we were hanging out. It is very,very strange. He craves the center stage, and it's something I ignore when he attempts to make a big deal out of his material things. I just give him the "that's nice/cool" but just move on to the next subject so that he learns that someone isn't simply impressed just by the things you have. I'm waiting for him to finish camp and have him over again on Saturday to earn his ride to the Farmers Market. It just really concerned me when he had some really violent talk towards certain people in his family and self harm. I think it was rather a display of attention seeking than anything else, because it is something he does not follow through,but doesn't mean it is impossible. He really enjoys my company and asked for me often,but I'm not sure what happens in his head for those "odd" moments.

 

[Miss M]

Wow.. What a mess. You just keep doing what you're doing. You never know what kind of impact you will have on him.

 

[fuzzy9]

What a sweetheart you are! I commend you very highly for what you are trying to do. He has to want it, and I fear that as long as he has those that boost his ego and wants, letting him get away with this behavior, he will never change.

 

[WildWolf]

Wow, you're amazing! I think that you and your boyfriend will make a difference on him- but it will probably be hard work!