Parents being sued. No idea what to do now

Nibbles said:

Don't assume any of their debts. They can go bankrupt and keep a home and a car so they can get to work. If you don't pay, they will still be okay, but will need to do some work to be okay.

I hope you get your farm soon.

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Nibbles is right. If you feel responisible, an appropriate thing to do is find out who the government social worker is that they should contact on their own. More than that is letting them hang on to your apron.

Zee-Man said:

Nibbles is right. If you feel responisible, an appropriate thing to do is find out who the government social worker is that they should contact on their own. More than that is letting them hang on to your apron.

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Another perspective is that it's better to take care of your own family than ask Big Brother (who does not love your family) to do it. Some would argue that the exponential growth of the welfare state has contributed to the breakdown of family life, and of personal responsibility itself.

I actually admire RockyHillRabbit and his/her spouse's dedication to their parents. There's a fine line between being co-dependent, and taking care of family members who have trouble taking care of themselves (for whatever reason - most of us are ultimately our own worst enemies). That doesn't mean letting them destroy your own marriage and family, but it can involve a certain amount of real sacrifice... sometimes, kind of like the sacrifices parents make for their kids.

RockyHillRabbits, we'll keep you in our prayers for a peaceful outcome.

Alaska Satin said:

That doesn't mean letting them destroy your own marriage and family, but it can involve a certain amount of real sacrifice... sometimes, kind of like the sacrifices parents make for their kids.

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The way I see it, people (for the most part) choose to be parents. They also have the opportunity to train their children to be the people they want them to be. Your parents and other family are completely out of your control and most of my family isn't anyone I would even know if I didn't share a tiny bit of DNA with them. I am MUCH more likely to help and support a friend than I am to help someone who the only reason they are even in my life at all is because of DNA.

Parents make the choice to sacrifice for their kids and even to have kids. The grown adults don't get the choice to have parents or not and should not be expected to sacrifice for someone else's decisions.

Alaska Satin said:

Another perspective is that it's better to take care of your own family than ask Big Brother (who does not love your family) to do it. ... I actually admire RockyHillRabbit and his/her spouse's dedication to their parents. ...

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This is also true. I spent 8 years giving primary care to my elderly mother. Not one minute felt like sacrifice. Once she went home to Jesus I could feel what I had been doing. However, my mother was never abusive to me and my brothers were super supportive.

Zee-Man said:

This is also true. I spent 8 years giving primary care to my elderly mother. Not one minute felt like sacrifice. Once she went home to Jesus I could feel what I had been doing. However, my mother was never abusive to me and my brothers were super supportive.

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It sounds like your family was closer and more supportive than mine. I have never had any sort of bond with my mom but it wasn't for lack of me trying. I would try telling her about an event coming up that I know she likes and something we could do together. Her response to the last time I said anything like that was "so what?" My husband, in his attempt to bring us closer, last year made us an appointment to get our hair done and he encouraged me to go have lunch with her, make a girls day of it. Didn't work. The entire time we were together I think she said two words to me and she didn't want lunch.
I look at my cousin's lives and see everything they do with their moms and they say their mom is their best friend, etc. It's such a foreign concept to me. All I can think is, I wish I had had that kind of mom when I was growing up. I always said if I get to be a mom, I know exactly how I won't raise my kids. But I'll never get that chance, unless it's through adoption and that's not possible as long as we are living with them. For one, we don't have the room, and I never want a kid to be around my brother's terrible, toxic personality. My aunt, who is a home health worker, was helping an ex-client at their home yesterday and a Pit Bull attacked her. She had to be life flighted from their house and went straight to UAMS in Little Rock. When my husband told my brother what was going on, his response was "well, good, she shouldn't have been messing with the dog". That is the type of person I have dealt with my entire life and as soon as we move out, I will no longer be a part of it.

No one should ever have to deal with a family like that…

GET OUT!

so much has been said that protects your well-being. You are not a bank, you do not have landlord responsibilities.
it is hard to break free of the abuse you are being subjected to. figure out what the minimum possessions you need to camp for a while, get a tent, a cooler, etc, and find a campground or camp at your house, so you can make repairs without a lot of travelling.
as you leave, present an invoice to your family showing how much you have spent on their maintenance. include a list of the various organizations , and the different programs that assist { one of the most beneficial for me was for the electricity)

you have been providing handouts for your family. Now, give them a Hand UP by forcing them to stand on their own feet.

Your situation sounds intolerable. At some point you have to walk away and live your own life, even if you don't know where you're going. Will the whole miserable thing come crashing down around them? Yeah. Probably. Go somewhere warm and do whatever your hands find to do. It's undoubtedly best that you tell them nothing of your plans at all, but simply leave one day and never return. It doesn't sound like you can fix this.

rockyhillrabbits said:

We even buy their cigarettes

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I'm sorry, what

Just to update:

Me and my husband had an offer to buy the house we were in the process of buying from my parents, but because my mom never took action when the bank/credit card company sued her, they put a lien on that house so when we sold it, it all went towards paying off what was left owed and what mom owed the credit card company. We didn't get anything for it.

I'm having to go to my cancer appointments every 3 months now and I just had an appointment 3 weeks ago and have to go back next week to get my thyroid biopsied because they found a growing nodule on it. Hubby is getting negative checks because last time he was out of work a week due to my appointment and then his truck had issues.

Once this appointment is over I should know if it's cancer or not and will get my next steps. If I don't have to go back anytime soon I'm going to look for a job even though I have more than enough on my plate. My husband is stressed because everyone depends on him and I don't want him stressed.

THEN.. since your hubby is stressed and they are grown up people..... make some boundaries or simply move out. SERIOUSLY.
You need to put that man of your first....not the family that sorta raised you.

I should know better than to voice my opinions on the affairs of others but...
S**t happens. It's a basic part of life so we are forced to deal with it.
It's how we deal with it that's paramount.
When living on the edge, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. Multiple minor issues add up to major problems.
Sounds like it's time to retreat, regroup & start fresh.
The first order of business is to get priorities sorted out.
If two cars (one for a blind man that can't drive) is holding them back, sell one & put the money towards eliminating other problems or at least put it in some else's name.
As for being sued... I assume the plaintiff will prevail. However... it's merely a judgment. Collection is another matter and is separate.
Obviously they can't maintain their previous lifestyle. Under the current circumstances, things will progressively get worse.
Might consider selling everything, clearing all debt & start over within their means.
For example... I live on a large ranch in N.E. Arizona. Currently just shy of 2,600 acres!
Most assume I have too much money to be able to afford such luxury. The truth is, I don't. I paid an average of $500.00 per acre! Yes, there is still excellent land available that's quite affordable.
In my area, 1 acre by itself can be $3,000.00 to $6,000.00 if the buyer is stupid. The adjoining property could be 40 acres but $20,000.00. The bigger the parcel, the lower per acre cost. Do the math.
Lumber prices are close to normal again so building a new house is also within reach.
I'm willing to bet that with the assests they have, they could be debt free, in a brand new home.
It all depends on what they want and what they are willing to sacrifice to get it.
Our house isn't a palace or mansion. But it's enough and quite comfortable. My priorities are different than most. I put the vast majority of my income into my animals.
Just the horses alone cost me $1,100.00-$1,200.00 per month just to feed them! I'm afraid to figure out what the bison cost.
We could live extremely well if I eliminated the expenses of animals but... they are my reason for existing.
I can live on less, so they can live.
It's all a matter of priorities.

And bankruptcy leaves home to live in and car to drive to work. As long as they are not extravagant.

RabbitDad said:

For example... I live on a large ranch in N.E. Arizona. Currently just shy of 2,600 acres!
Most assume I have too much money to be able to afford such luxury. The truth is, I don't. I paid an average of $500.00 per acre! Yes, there is still excellent land available that's quite affordable.
In my area, 1 acre by itself can be $3,000.00 to $6,000.00 if the buyer is stupid. The adjoining property could be 40 acres but $20,000.00. The bigger the parcel, the lower per acre cost. Do the math.

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I am sorry for the thread hijack, but daaaang. I am super jealous. My tiny city lot, just under 0.1 acre, was half a million--it makes me ill to even say that. It sounds like I have an amazing mansion, but I have a basic little house, which was originally wartime housing--cheap, poorly built, not at all fancy...I just had to replace the boiler/furnace, and it needs a new roof desperately.

But in Arizona, I would be unemployed. And very hot.

eco2pia said:

I am sorry for the thread hijack, but daaaang. I am super jealous. My tiny city lot, just under 0.1 acre, was half a million--it makes me ill to even say that. It sounds like I have an amazing mansion, but I have a basic little house, which was originally wartime housing--cheap, poorly built, not at all fancy...I just had to replace the boiler/furnace, and it needs a new roof desperately.

But in Arizona, I would be unemployed. And very hot.

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The climate of Northern Arizona is pretty mild. Still desert, but MUCH cooler than the rest of the state.
As for employment... I have no clue what your profession is but again... it's a matter of priorities.
If one can think outside the box, there are a plethora of opportunities to make an excellent living.
The key is figuring out what you want.

I didn't read the whole convo but we are looking at land now in south Georgia and Yes, the larger the parcel, the less per acre in general. Our family is mostly in north Florida or we would be looking at places like north Arizona. In FL, prices triple and so do regulations and we want to be able to do pretty much as we please.

eco2pia said:

I am sorry for the thread hijack, but daaaang. I am super jealous. My tiny city lot, just under 0.1 acre, was half a million--it makes me ill to even say that. It sounds like I have an amazing mansion, but I have a basic little house, which was originally wartime housing--cheap, poorly built, not at all fancy...I just had to replace the boiler/furnace, and it needs a new roof desperately.

But in Arizona, I would be unemployed. And very hot.

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My oldest lives in Oregon and what she just paid for a house - regular house - I almost fainted. BUT she did it!!! Yay for her.

RabbitDad said:

The climate of Northern Arizona is pretty mild. Still desert, but MUCH cooler than the rest of the state.
As for employment... I have no clue what your profession is but again... it's a matter of priorities.
If one can think outside the box, there are a plethora of opportunities to make an excellent living.
The key is figuring out what you want.

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Biotech research currently. High end microscopy. I would probably have to be within commuting distance of Phoenix unfortunately. But you are right, I have made it as a waitress for many years...There are lots of things I am capable of. If I banked my equity I could likely buy something outright and eliminate a large part of my expenses. But I have ailing family members to care for for a few more years first. I have looked into it longingly for decades.

eco2pia said:

Biotech research currently. High end microscopy. I would probably have to be within commuting distance of Phoenix unfortunately. But you are right, I have made it as a waitress for many years...There are lots of things I am capable of. If I banked my equity I could likely buy something outright and eliminate a large part of my expenses. But I have ailing family members to care for for a few more years first. I have looked into it longingly for decades.

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Phoenix or the surrounding areas are a horrible idea! There is NO water, and it's going to get worse. (Look at Lake Mead, which is where most of the water comes from)
Another major factor to consider... WHEN, not if, the shtf, there are only a handful of roads out of the valley. It doesn't take more than one accident / wreck to turn the highway into a parking lot. Not a good place to be stuck during a bad situation.
We had a very nice home in Peoria. (a suburb of Phoenix) I sold it for about 2/3 market value just to get out. And yes, it was worth it!
I suggest Apache County if you are looking to avoid regulations & such.
The building dept is by far the best / easiest I've ever delt with.
They are quick to answer questions & offer help / advice, without getting into your business.
For the most part, the few people that live here are decent. Most are... "not loaded with cash." But self sufficient, so money isn't an issue.
There are a few issues that some don't like. (I personally love it).
The first is the lack of law enforcement. (I'm a retired peace officer, so noticed that immediately.)
This is a huge county without a large budget. The few deputies available are many, many miles away and likely very busy. We are pretty much on our own. Don't let that scare you too much. People commit crimes... and there aren't many people here.
There are few, if any jobs here so... you work for yourself or don't work.
Town... if that even qualifies as a town, is quite the trek for groceries & other necessities. Plan on wasting most of the day.
Many places, like ours, don't even get U.S. Mail delivered. It's either by a box, many miles away on the highway or the Post Office. UPS & FedEx will deliver "if" you have an address.
Get over those "flaws" and it's as close to perfection as I've found.