Help me fine Tune this potential blog post please.

TITLE: Closed rabbitries.

More and more rabbit owners/breeders are becoming closed rabbitries.

Why is this happening you the happy pet owner or pet owner wannabee might ask?

There are few different reasons.

1. PETA and Animal Control folks. You complain about something, PETA or animal control gets involved and depending on the orientation of the animal control folks.... rabbit owner/breeder loses their rabbits and ends up in court.

2. Disease. If rabbit owner/breeder doesn't let you anywhere near their herd or property they don't have to worry about you bringing anything to their herd on your clothing, shoes or body. Helps keep their herd safe.

3. Inconsiderate buyers. You know the people who think they are on your property and therefore have the right to peer in your windows, touch your rabbits, comment on your garden, go wherever they like and such like.

4. the Desire for privacy. Some folks just don't like others folks on their property.

5. the desire for safety and security. Did you know that there are documented cases of people coming to homes to look at a rabbit, saying they aren't interested, then the next day or within the week that rabbit that so and so was interested in ends up getting stolen. Who wants that hassle in their lives?

I know that two events over the past month have made me consider being a closed rabbitry.

1.Theft. we lost a bunny and some mice to theft, they also took a carrier and an aquarium. Our yard is fully fenced. One has the expectation of privacy and security. These folks KNEW what they wanted to take and then took it.

2. Inconsiderate folks. Had a lady buy a rabbit from me who then proceeded to email me lecturing me about my faults. I homeschool, my housecleaning was behind, I had stuff in my yard, and so on and so forth.

Also over the past year I'd had people poke at my rabbits, let rabbits out of cages, handle rabbits without permission and such like.

Those incidents are few and far between but for now, I've had enough of it. and you know what... I don't need it. I don't.

Hence, I will be instituting some changes.

I won't have a closed rabbitry, but you won't be going through my house, or going back to my rabbitry, it just isn't going to happen.

You can either meet me somewhere here in town, or meet on my front porch or front yard, or I will drive the bunny somewhere to meet you. I won't be ever leaving you unattended so you can go snoop around, because how I live is NONE of your business. It really isn't. If you are curious about what plants to feed I'll make up a booklet to show you, but I won't be taking you through my garden.

NOTE>>> I LOVE showing and teaching people things. I love being able to let people be hands on. BUT I don't need theft. I don't need abuse from folks.

I just don't need it.

For all you folks who have purchased rabbits from me and have be decent and fun and interested... THANK YOU. I love it. I really love educating and helping and introducing people to the lovely multi-purpose animal that is a rabbit. Rabbits are fun and interesting little critters.

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So anything I need to change or fine tune a bit?
I don't want hurt or anger to show through. I just want it to be as factual as possible. Basically to come across as a professional with thought out reasoning.

Thanks for your help!

Nicely done.
(last paragraph... folks who have.....Have beEN decent and fun...) just a tiny tweak....

Really good post!

Another very small tweak:

Points 1 and 2 are written from the point of view of the visitor. The rest are written from the point of view of the breeder. I suggest 1 and 2 be rewritten to match the others.

It isn't necessary, but I think it would help the flow.

Excellent, well-thought-out post. You don't sound angry, you sound professional. Disappointed that you are having to institute such a policy, yet resolved to protect your family and property.

*puts on former English major hat* Possible edits:

Original: Why is this happening you the happy pet owner or pet owner wannabee might ask?

Suggestion: Many pet owners might wonder why this is happening.

Reason: Original reads awkwardly, needs to be more clear. Needs either to be shorter or have a comma.

Original: 1. PETA and Animal Control folks. You complain about something, PETA or animal control gets involved and depending on the orientation of the animal control folks.... rabbit owner/breeder loses their rabbits and ends up in court.

Suggestion: 1. Animal Control and/or Animal Rights Activists. If a complaint is made, even if it is totally unjustified, the animals a breeder or owner has might be seized. Many groups target breeders specifically, even if they have done nothing wrong.

Reason: Original doesn't explain why it is "bad" for people to be the target of the AR folk. I read that and saw no mention of "even if there's no wrongdoing." Some people really DO abuse/neglect their animals, and they need to be investigated...the original doesn't differentiate between a good breeder and an abusive hoarder.

Original: 2. Disease. If rabbit owner/breeder doesn't let you anywhere near their herd or property they don't have to worry about you bringing anything to their herd on your clothing, shoes or body. Helps keep their herd safe.

Suggestion: 2. Disease. Rabbits are delicate creatures and infections can wreak havoc on a breeder's animals. Pathogens can be introduced to a herd, for example, on the clothes of a well-meaning visitor; this is why many breeders won't allow guests near their animals.

Reason: Reads a little difficultly. Also has a sentence fragment.

Original: 3. Inconsiderate buyers. You know the people who think they are on your property and therefore have the right to peer in your windows, touch your rabbits, comment on your garden, go wherever they like and such like.

Suggestion: 3. Inconsiderate buyers. Some people think that just because they are on a breeder's property, they have the right to peer through windows, touch animals without asking permission, comment on the garden, et cetera. This can be disconcerting and upsetting; many breeders choose not to risk allowing anyone into their personal space to avoid such situations.

Reason: Awkward wording.

Original: 5. the desire for safety and security. Did you know that there are documented cases of people coming to homes to look at a rabbit, saying they aren't interested, then the next day or within the week that rabbit that so and so was interested in ends up getting stolen. Who wants that hassle in their lives?

Suggestion: 5. Safety and security. Did you know that there are people who go to homes pretending to look at a rabbit only to claim they aren't interested, then return the next day or within the week to burglarize the breeder's property. Not allowing people onto their property allows breeders to prevent criminals from canvasing their homes.

Reason: Awkward wording.

Original: I know that two events over the past month have made me consider being a closed rabbitry.

Suggestion: As a breeder myself, I have had two events over the past month which may cause me to operate a closed rabbitry.

Reason: Reads easier with "speaker" identified earlier in the sentence.

Original: I won't have a closed rabbitry, but you won't be going through my house, or going back to my rabbitry, it just isn't going to happen.

Suggestion: I won't have a closed rabbitry, but you won't be going through my house or going back to my rabbitry; it just isn't going to happen.

Reason: Comma splice.

Original: You can either meet me somewhere here in town, or meet on my front porch or front yard, or I will drive the bunny somewhere to meet you. I won't be ever leaving you unattended so you can go snoop around, because how I live is NONE of your business. It really isn't. If you are curious about what plants to feed I'll make up a booklet to show you, but I won't be taking you through my garden.

Suggestion: I will offer three options: we can meet somewhere in town; we can meet on my front porch or my front yard; I will drive a reasonable distance to deliver a rabbit or rabbits. However, I will not leave a visitor at my property unattended; my private property is nobody's business but mine. If, for example, you would like to know what plants from my gardens I feed to my rabbits, I will tell you or even make a booklet to show you, but the garden itself will be off-limits.

Reason: Original was more accusatory than informative; off-putting wording.

Original: NOTE>>> I LOVE showing and teaching people things. I love being able to let people be hands on. BUT I don't need theft. I don't need abuse from folks.

I just don't need it.

Suggestion: For the record, I love teaching people and showing people things. I enjoy being able to give people hands-on instruction. However, I cannot put myself or my animals at risk of theft or abuse.

Reason: Accusatory wording.

Original: For all you folks who have purchased rabbits from me and have be decent and fun and interested... THANK YOU. I love it. I really love educating and helping and introducing people to the lovely multi-purpose animal that is a rabbit. Rabbits are fun and interesting little critters.

Suggestion: To the people who have purchased rabbits from me, I want to express my gratitude; I have really loved helping to introduce you to the wonderful multi-purpose animal that the rabbit is. Rabbits are fun and interesting litter critters!

Reason: Awkward wording.

Hope this helps!

I wasn't going to go in that deep... all of her writing I've seen has been conversational in style. As far as I can recall, every time I've seen writing in conversational style, it has broken nearly every English rule I know... because it's more like speaking than writing.

I almost always write blog posts in conversational style. I rarely write blog posts in any other way since I write as if I'm talking with someone.

BUT perhaps I need to try writing in other styles too.

But Kyle suggestions were good and I am going to change some of what I wrote to reflect changes suggested by him as well as by others. I much appreciate your helpfulness all round.

Oh, LOL. I figured refining text (fine tuning) was the point. I like wordsmithing. Heck, I re-read my suggestions and found two grammatical errors I myself made and was gonna point 'em out as personal oopses.

okay. I've done a bit of a re-write.
what do you all think?

-------------------
More and more rabbit owners/breeders are becoming closed rabbitries.

I've had folks ask me what's up with that? What do they have to hide?
In fact, generally speaking good breeders have nothing to hide, but they do have some legitimate concerns.

There are few different reasons.

1. The desire to not have Animal rights and animal control people in their lives. This is becoming more and more of an issue. Breeders can lose their animals even if the complaint made is unjustified.
Many groups target breeders specifically, even if they have done nothing wrong. They know that most breeders are hobbyists and can't afford the boarding fees that animal control charges to maintain their animals until the court case. Sign over your animals or pay the boarding fees. A hobby is not worth risking your financial freedom over.

2. The Desire to avoid Disease. Rabbits are fairly delicate creatures. Bringing in pathogens on your hands or clothing is a risk to the rabbitry. One sick animal can kill an entire herd. Therefore most breeders don't like people they don't know well handling their animals or being too close to them. Airborne pathogens are the worst.

3. The Desire to avoid inconsiderate buyers. Did you know that are some individuals who think that because you have invited them onto your property that they therefore have permission to peer through winders, touch animals with out asking permission, and wander around commenting on whatever suits their fancy? Indeed there are! This is rather upsetting and disconcerting about just how does one handle this? Therefore some breeders choose not to deal with that and simply don't allow people into their personal space.

4. The Desire for privacy. Some folks just don't like others folks on their property. Plain and simple.

5. The desire for safety and security. Did you know that there are documented cases of people coming to homes to look at a rabbit, saying they aren't interested, then within the week finding their rabbitry or home burglarized. By not allowing people onto your property you help prevent that hassle in their lives.

As a breeder myself, I have had two events over the past month have made me consider being a closed rabbitry.

1.Theft. we lost a bunny and some mice to theft, they also took a carrier and an aquarium. Our yard is fully fenced. One has the expectation of privacy and security. These folks KNEW what they wanted to take and then took it.

2. Inconsiderate folks. Had a lady buy a rabbit from me who then proceeded to email me lecturing me about my faults. I homeschool, my housecleaning was behind, I had stuff in my yard, and so on and so forth.

Also over the past year I'd had people poke at my rabbits, let rabbits out of cages, handle rabbits without permission and such like. Those incidents are few and far between but for now, I've had enough of it. I don't need to have my desires thwarted.

Hence, I will be instituting some changes.

I do NOT want to have a closed rabbitry. I love having people over, being able to talk freely about my rabbits and my thoughts on how to care for them. I love it.

BUT from now on, you won't be going through my house or going back to my rabbitry. I just can't do that anymore. It just isn't going to happen.

I will offer some choices to you.

1. meet close by. We can meet in a parking lot, at a bank, the local Tim Hortons, wherever. Some place close. At a mutually convenient time.

2. You can come to my property but we will be meeting on my front porch or in my front yard. I'll have the bunnies available for sale waiting for you. However, I will not leave a visitor at my property unattended; my private property is nobody's business but mine. If, for example, you would like to know what plants from my gardens I feed to my rabbits, I will tell you or even make a booklet to show you, but the garden itself will be off-limits


3. I will drive to your home, you can pay me a gas fee to cover my mileage and my time.

4. We can meet somewhere where I am already going. Beforehand you can tell me which specific bunny you want. We can meet at a specified time, no gas fee, just a hi, here's your bunny, let's talk. (or not talk depending on your frame of mind).

Just so you know... I LOVE, I dearly love selling bunnies, talking bunnies, educating folks about bunnies. I LOVE IT. However, I cannot put myself or my animals at risk of theft or abuse.

I want very much to express my gratitude to all the delightful people I've met. You know who you are... the folks who ask questions, who monitor their children's activities, who listen, and so forth. It is indeed my pleasure to assist you in your rabbity needs. It is so much fun. I have really loved helping to introduce you to the wonderful multi-purpose animal that the rabbit is. Rabbits are fun and interesting little critters!

I like the rewrite.

I live in the south, so I know what "winders" are. Will everyone else?

ha! I hadn't caught that one Marinea... and realized that I had gapped...
"This is rather upsetting and disconcerting about just how does one handle this? Therefore some breeders choose not to deal with that and simply don't allow people into their personal space."

Changed to..this is rather upsetting and disconcerting, and makes one wonder just how does one handle this?

I had a good post ready to go, and when I hit "Submit," you had beaten me to the punch with your second version of the proposed blog entry. Kyle, the (former?) English major, has had a definite impact on the content. I've taken the liberty of providing input based on my years of working with environmental remediation consultants as a copy and technical editor (also English teacher, as well as a few other subjects).

Your text is in plain; mine is in bold. Suggested deletions are in square brackets [like this].

* * * * * * *

okay. I've done a bit of a re-write.
what do you all think?

-------------------
More and more rabbit owners/breeders are becoming closed rabbitries.

I've had folks ask me, What's up with that? What do [they] breeders have to hide?
[In fact,] Generally speaking, good breeders have nothing to hide, but they do have some legitimate concerns.

There are a few different reasons.

1. The D[d]esire to not have Animal Rights and Animal Control people in their lives. This is becoming more and more of an issue. Breeders can lose their animals even if the complaint made is unjustified.
Many groups target breeders specifically, even if [they have] the breeder has done nothing wrong. They know that most breeders are hobbyists and can't possibly afford the boarding fees that Animal Control charges to maintain the[ir] animals until the court case is heard. "Sign over your animals, or pay the boarding fees." A hobby is not worth risking your family's financial freedom [over].

2. The Desire to avoid [D]disease. Rabbits are fairly delicate creatures. Bringing in pathogens on your hands, shoes, or clothing is a risk to the rabbitry. One sick animal can kill an entire herd. Therefore most breeders [don't like] aren't comfortable with people they don't know well handling their animals or being too close to them. Airborne pathogens are the [worst] most dangerous to rabbits.

3. The Desire to avoid inconsiderate buyers. Did you know that there are some individuals who think that, just because you have invited them onto your property, [that] they therefore have permission to peer through [winders] windows, touch--or even release!--animals without asking permission, and wander around commenting on whatever suits their fancy? Indeed there are! This is rather upsetting and disconcerting; [about] just how does one handle this? Therefore some breeders choose not to deal with [that] these inconsiderate individuals and simply don't allow people into their personal space.

4. The Desire for privacy. Some folks just [don't like] aren't comfortable with others [folks] on their property. Plain and simple.

5. The D[d]esire for safety and security. Did you know that there are documented cases of people coming to homes to look at a rabbit, saying they aren't interested, then within the week [finding] the[ir] rabbitry or home is burglarized? By not allowing people onto [your] a breeder's property, that breeder [you] helps prevent [that] this hassle in [their] her life [lives].

As a breeder myself, I have had two events over the past month that have made me consider becoming a closed rabbitry.

1. Theft. We lost a bunny and some mice to theft; [they] the thief/thieves also took a carrier and an aquarium. Our yard is fully fenced. One has the expectation of privacy and security. These folks KNEW what they wanted to take and then took it.

2. Inconsiderate folks. Had a lady buy a rabbit from me who then proceeded to email me, lecturing me about my numerous "faults." I homeschool, my housecleaning was behind, I had stuff in my yard, and so on and so forth.

Also, over the past year, [I'd] I've had people poke at my rabbits, let rabbits out of cages, handle rabbits without permission, and such like. Those incidents are few and far between, but for now, I've had enough of it. I don't need to have the safety and security of my home or my rabbits threatened. [my desires thwarted.]

Hence, I will be instituting some changes.

I do [NOT] not [want] WANT to have a closed rabbitry. I love having people over, being able to talk freely about my rabbits and my thoughts on how to care for them. I love it.

BUT from now on, [you] buyers won't be going through my house or going back to my rabbitry. I just can't do that anymore. It just isn't going to happen.

I will offer some choices to prospective buyers [you].

1. M[m]eet close by. We can meet in a parking lot, at a bank, the local Tim Hortons, wherever. Someplace close. At a mutually convenient time.

2. You can come to my property, but we will [be] meet[ing] on my front porch or in my front yard. I'll have the bunnies available for sale waiting for you. However, I will not leave a visitor at my property unattended; my private property is nobody's business but mine. If, for example, you would like to know what plants from my gardens I feed to my rabbits, I will tell you or even make a booklet to show you, but the garden itself will be off-limits.

3. I will drive to your home, and you [can] will pay me a gas fee to cover my mileage and my time.

4. We can meet somewhere [where] I am already going. Beforehand you can tell me which specific bunny you want. We can meet at a specified time, no gas fee, just a hi, here's your bunny, let's talk[.] (or not talk, depending on your frame of mind).

Just so you know... I LOVE, I dearly love selling bunnies, talking bunnies, educating folks about bunnies. I LOVE IT. However, I cannot put myself or my animals at risk of theft, [or] abuse, or disease.

I want very much to express my gratitude to all the delightful people I've met. You know who you are... the folks who ask questions, who monitor their children's activities, who listen, and so forth. It is indeed my pleasure to assist you in your rabbity needs. It is so much fun. I have really loved helping to introduce you to the wonderful multi-purpose animal that the rabbit is. Rabbits are fun and interesting little critters!

* * * * * * *

I hope my suggestions haven't offended you. ::fingers crossed::

Some of your provisions are already employed by many responsible Bernese Mtn. Dog breeders. For example, with regard to disease prevention: when I was on the board of my Berner club and we met at someone's home while they were raising baby puppies (often pre-10 weeks old; always pre-8 weeks old), we all had to either take off our shoes before entering the house *or* step into a dishpan of bleach water before entering the house with our shoes on. Also, even when we had previously been welcome to bring our adult dogs to the other person's house, we could not bring those dogs to the house when puppies were present due to the possibility of the adult dog having walked where there might be parvo, worms, etc. (Kinda hard to have a dog step into the bleach water....)

Here's my take on your five Desires:

--People with no axe to grind are unaware of the political use of Animal Control. Making this a "heads-up" post helps the rest of your statement make sense to previously unaware people. I would only add that there are still people who are unclear on the difference between Animal Welfare and Animal Rights. You may (or may not) want to address that.
--Many people have no idea about how disease is spread to animals. They have only the human model in mind: touching hands, sneezing/coughing, and so on. The shoes/clothing pathway doesn't occur to them, and they may not think that airborne diseases affect animals.
--Rudeness/boundaries. Sadly, there are people who have no idea that peering through windows into private parts of the home or handling animals without asking permission is RUDE, DISCOURTEOUS, and an INVASION OF PRIVACY. And many of these people are adults. This needs to be said, and you've done so.
--My wording suggestion in #4 is to avoid the phrase "don't like folks." I've suggested, to perhaps smooth off the impression of being misanthropic ("Why does this person have rabbits for sale if she doesn't like people?"--I know that's not at all what you've said, but people aren't always careful readers), "4) The Desire for privacy. Some folks just aren't comfortable with others on their property."
--Casing the house/rabbitry for potential targets of a later theft. This aspect will come as a complete surprise to honest people, at least to those who haven't read/heard about such theft cases.

Very educational; I hope your blog readers understand.

Now for my personal ignorance re. Matters Lagomorphic--here's your opportunity to be even more educational.

I thought I understood what a "closed rabbitry" is, but there's obviously an aspect of it I'm missing. Your statement in the second portion of the proposed blog entry confuses me:

--current version: "I do NOT want to have a closed rabbitry. I love having people over, being able to talk freely about my rabbits and my thoughts on how to care for them. I love it.

"BUT from now on, you won't be going through my house or going back to my rabbitry. I just can't do that anymore. It just isn't going to happen."

--current version w/my suggestions: "I do not WANT to have a closed rabbitry. I love having people over, being able to talk freely about my rabbits and my thoughts on how to care for them. I love it.

"BUT from now on, buyers won't be going through my house or going back to my rabbitry. I just can't do that anymore. It just isn't going to happen."

The Lagomorphic Ignorance Question: Isn't a "closed rabbitry" one in which strangers do not enter the premises where the rabbits are, given the potential dangers they may carry on their shoes/clothing, etc.? Isn't the message in the "five Desires (educational points)" explaining why you *are* instituting this new policy, of having a closed rabbitry?

That's what I'm not understanding. Please explain to me what I'm missing about a "closed rabbitry," because obviously I missed the boat somewhere! :lol:

Overall, a great job and a very important message.

people with a closed rabbitry don't even allow people onto their property. They ALWAYS meet off the property. (at least with all the people that I know and/or have heard from that's the policy)

I like your suggestions. Thank you.

This is why I ask for help. I know what I want to say, but I want to say it clearly.

One small thing I noticed because I haven't been on the rabbit scene for about 10 years, and I think the general public may have the same issue -
When first heard people say "Closed Rabbitry" I thought they were saying they had closed up shop or closed their rabbitry, went out of business.
I figured it out pretty quickly, but...
Maybe explaining near the top of the post what exactly that means, would be helpful for clarity's sake.

this I have done. thank you.<br /><br />__________ Mon Sep 02, 2013 5:25 pm __________<br /><br />final post is here: http://athomepets.weebly.com/1/post/201 ... tries.html

ladysown":f5hnyuns said:

people with a closed rabbitry don't even allow people onto their property. They ALWAYS meet off the property. (at least with all the people that I know and/or have heard from that's the policy)

Click to expand...

Ah. That explains it. My previous understanding was incomplete (as I thought). I had been under the impression that a "closed rabbitry" meant 1) nobody other than approved rabbit handlers/caretakers could enter the rabbit-keeping area and 2) all new rabbits went through quarantine for a given period of time before being introduced to the general rabbit living area, even if the rabbits live in individual cages. I hadn't realized the additional condition of 3) nobody not involved in rabbit care being allowed onto the actual property itself. Thank you for the clarification!

ladysown":f5hnyuns said:

I like your suggestions. Thank you.

This is why I ask for help. I know what I want to say, but I want to say it clearly.

Click to expand...

My mission in my editing life (with private clients) is :arrow: to sharpen the author's own message, while remaining faithful to the author's individual voice. :arrow2: I'm sometimes more successful at retaining the author's individual voice than I am at other times. I rely on the author to tell me if s/he feels "intruded upon." I'm happy that you felt good about my suggestions, and I look forward to seeing how this entry develops on your blog.